"Just wait until they're teenagers..."

Have you ever had someone come up to you in public and warn you to enjoy your kids when they're young, because when they're teenagers they're going to be terrible?  I've had it happen to me a few times, and I really don't like it.

I don't like it is because my children are hearing another adult say that they're going to behave badly.  And do you know what happens when you tell children they're going to behave badly? Of course!  They'll behave badly. 

Our children are going to live up to the expectations we have for them, be they good or bad.  When they hear us or other adults say that we expect poor behavior from them, they are going to comply with that expectation.  The opposite is also true.  When we express our expectations for positive behavior, they will be more likely to comply with that also. 

Don't worry; I'm not delusional.  I know that the teenage years can be rough.  I know that most parents, even those with children who don't purposely misbehave and rebel, go through some tough patches as their children become more independent.  But to expect rebellious behavior is going to bring about self-fulfilling prophesy.

So I have something to say to the well-meaning but thoughtless people in the aisles of the grocery stores. "Thank you for your thoughts, but instead of telling my children that they are going to misbehave, I choose to tell them how much I look forward to our relationships growing as they get older, and how it's so exciting to watch them grow into responsible children and young adults." And who wouldn't want THAT self-fulfilling prophesy to come true!?

Don't Say Don't

How many times a day so you hear yourself telling your child "Don't?" "Don't kick the dog." "Don't leave your backpack in the floor."  "Don't hit your sister."  Those are pretty typical phrases found in most homes, including mine.

In one if the day cares I worked in, the director taught us an important tool for teaching children what behavior is expected of them.  She said, "Don't say don't. " 

When she first taught me this in training, my reaction was, "But if I don't tell them not to do things, then how do I correct their behavior?" 

 "Exactly,"  she replied.  When ALL you tell someone is, "Don't," they only know what they AREN'T supposed to do.  Not what they ARE supposed to do. 

She taught me to switch the sentence around.  Instead of saying "don't", request that they stop the negative behavior and give them a positive alternative at the same time. 

So, instead of "Don't hit your sister," try, "If you're mad enough that you have to use your body to be angry, hit the wall.  Not your sister."

Instead of "Don't leave your backpack on the floor," try "Please put your backpack on its hook instead of the floor."

"Instead of kicking the dog, please use your nice hands to pet her." 

"Please keep your feet on the floor instead if the couch."

The child is always left with an appropriate alternative to the behavior so it leaves no question what you expect of them.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

I remember a few years ago when my oldest, Bub, was about 3 years old.  I took the kids to Sea World with some friends for a fun day's outing.  It had been raining, and my trunk lock would get stuck when it was wet.  The kids were anxious to get going, my friends were waiting for me, but I couldn't get my trunk open to get the stroller.  After spending what seems like an ETERNITY finagling the lock, I finally got frustrated enough to give it a swift kick.  It still didn't work.  And my 3 year old looked at me with a confused look on his face and said, "Mommy, why you kick the car?  Kicking not a good choice."  

I had taught him for three years of his life that kicking isn't an appropriate thing to do.  Now I had undone all of that hard work in one moment of frustration.  For the next few months, every time he was angry he kicked something.  When I reminded him that kicking was a bad choice, he reminded me that I kicked the car.  Every time I apologized for my mistake and told him that even though I had made a bad choice that doesn't mean that he gets to make the same bad choice.

A recreation of the fateful kick, only with cooler shoes..

Have your kids ever called you out in a moment when you're not following your own rules?  My Dolly asked me once a last year why she had to make her bed and I didn't.  I don't like to make my bed because an hour after I do, my graveyard-working hubby gets home and goes to bed and it gets all messy again.  I don't really see the point.

But there definitely is a point: I have to follow my own house rules, or else I'm seen as a hypocrite and I lose my role as the rule enforcer in the house.  When I model the behavior I expect from other family members, I am teaching them a powerful lesson: The rules are for everyone in the house.  And if Mommy and Daddy can do it, so can you!

If you wouldn't get mad at Grandma...

In my very first Child Development class, right out of high school, the professor told a story. 

She told us about a family who took their beloved but aging Grandma to a buffet.  Grandma put food on her plate and headed back to their table.  She wasn't too steady, especially carrying a heavy plate of food, and as a result, dropped her plate.  The family was very kind to Grandma.  They cleaned it up and helped her get some more food.  This time someone carried the plate for her.

On this same visit, their three year old was with them.  She wasn't too steady either, especially carrying to huge plate of food, and as a result, dropped her plate.  The family got upset at her.  They asked her why she was so clumsy.  They wondered why she can't do something so easy like carry a plate without dropping it.  They ordered her to clean up all her food and to go sit back down at the table because if she can't carry her plate without dropping it, she doesn't get to eat.

Our professor looked at us and asked, "Who is more capable of carrying a plate of food without spilling?"  The unanimous answer was the Grandma.  Her question to us, then, was, "Why get mad at a three year old for something she is less capable of doing, when you don't get mad at Grandma for something she is more capable of doing?  If you wouldn't get mad at Grandma, don't get mad at your kids."  

The thought struck me hard, and stays with me today, even 20 years later. 

Blog posts without pictures are boring, so here is an picture of my awesome Grandma Lorraine, holding my oldest, Missy, when she was just a few months old.

Your Children are a Reflection of You

I don't make my kids match their clothes.  Not usually, at least.  If we're going someplace that requires a certain level of dress (church or the theater or the like), I'll put be more insistent, but for school or running errands, I don't stress.  I'll tell them the clothes don't match and give them options that DO match, but I won't insist on them changing.

I've had people tell me that I SHOULD make them match, because, "Your kids are a reflection of you."  And they're not wrong.  Your kids ARE a reflection of you.  But I'd like to take a minute to think about what they're reflecting.


When we see kids whose clothes don't match, we may be inclined to think, "That Mom doesn't have it together enough to make her kids match their clothes," But I like an alternative train of thought:"That Mom is letting her kids be independent."  Learning to put together outfits is a life skill that they need to learn.  And like learning to walk, sometimes they're going to stumble and fall.

"Mommy!  I find good clothes today!  They're both green!  They match!"

But clothing is only one way that our children may be reflecting us.  When your son holds the door open for the people behind him, he's reflecting the good manners you taught him.  When your daughter tries to engage a fussy toddler in the cart behind us at the grocery store so their frazzled mother can unload the groceries onto the belt, she's reflecting the caring that we taught her.  When your toddler runs and holds your hands when you ask him to, they're reflecting the obedience that you taught him.  Those things say a lot more about us as parents and as people than how our kids are dressed. 

The Three Strikes Rule

I worked in a few day cares after high school.  My favorite was a small day care and preschool ran by an amazing lady.  I learned so much about disciplining and child behavior from her.  Between her example and my Dad's, I developed what I call a three strikes rule.  It's not as much three strikes, but three steps to get children to do what you ask, and when to discipline if they don't.

First strike: This is when you give your child a request:  Please clean your bedroom.  Please get dressed for school.  Make sure you have their attention, and try to stay light-hearted about it. They haven't disobeyed yet; there's no reason to be short.

Second strike: If they choose not to listen, approach them again.  Eye contact works well to make sure you have their attention.  Ask them, "What did I just ask you to do?"  And wait for them to reply.  That way they can't pull the whole "I didn't hear you" schtick.  If they have acknowledged your request and know what you want, after that any disobedience is willful and punishable.  Lastly, lay out the consequence if they choose not to listen.  "If you choose not to clean your bedroom, you will not be able to watch the Family Movie with us later today."  Or will have to sit in the time-out, or not play at a friend's house, or whatever form of discipline you deem appropriate. Have them acknowledge with an "I understand" or "okay".  Again, no more "I didn't knows".

This is where some kids may try to compromise.  "After I'm done with this level on my game", or things like that.  Whether you compromise or not is up to you.  If you do, make sure the game plan is clear for both of you so you both know what to expect.

Third strike:  If they still don't follow through on what is asked of them, that's the third strike.  They're out!  Enact the discipline as stated in strike two.  And be consistent.  No extra chances, no begging or pleading, just do it.  If you don't, they'll learn that you don't mean what you say and you become less effective in your ability to teach them and discipline as needed.

If the job is one that takes longer, like cleaning a very messy bedroom, kids may get distracted.  (Adults may get distracted, too.  Be realistic.)  A quick "What are you supposed to be doing?"  and "What is the consequence if you don't?" is usually enough to put them quickly back on track.  Be frugal with these reminders, though.  Too many and the kids start to feel they're getting away with something.

As you become more consistent, your child may fight you.  Especially if they're not used to be disciplined consistently.  You're going to wonder if it's worth it.  It is.  Stay the course.

Game Review: Castle Panic

Remember the board games you played as a kid?  They were probably things like Life, Monopoly, and Yahtzee.  And while there's nothing wrong with these games, despite updates that make the games current (Doctor Who Yahtzee?!?!  I'm sold!), the new modern era of board games are a lot more fun and offer amazing opportunities for family bonding.

Oops.  Is my inner geek showing?

I'm going to start by reviewing a game called Castle Panic. This was our family's first leap into a new genre of board games called "cooperative gaming".  Everyone works together: it's you vs. the game.  So you either all win together, or you all lose together. Cooperative gaming is a great way to play when you have younger school-age kids who want to join in the fun, but get tired of Mommy or Daddy or older sibling beating them all the time. 

Orcs, and goblins, and trolls!  Oh my!

In Castle Panic, you have a castle set up in the middle of the board, with monsters on the outskirts, in the forest.  On your turn, you attack the monsters using your cards.  At the end of each person's turn, the monsters move closer to the castle, and two new monsters are placed on the board.  There are specialty cards and specialty monsters that add variety to the game. 

Some monsters only need one "hit", some need two or three to be taken off of the board.  When a castle wall gets run into by a monster, it is removed from the game.  If the monsters knock down all of your walls, you lose the game.  If you manage to kill all of the monsters before they knock down all of your walls, you win!!

When we play, we lay out our cards in front of us so we all know what we have in our hands, and it's easy to trade cards and make a plan of attack.  Because of this cooperative style of play, you can easily involve children of all ages.  Our 2 year old is still too young, but our 5 year old can easily hold her own with Mommy and Daddy there to guide her just a little.

One of my favorite aspects of Castle Panic is that there are additional rules you can throw in the game to change it up a little and make it more competitive.  As you kill monsters, you can count points.  The person with the most points is the "Master Slayer".  Or you can have one person be the "Monster Overlord": on their turn they decide where on the board the monsters go in order to knock down the castle.  Both rules add an extra element of fun to the game.

I would recommend this game for kids ages 5+, depending on the child of course.  The theming is fun (who doesn't love monsters!) and the mechanics are simple.  It's a great family board game.