To Pay or Not to Pay... For Chores

It's the age old debate: do you pay your children to do their chores?

On one hand, children  should contribute to the cleanliness of the house, just like the adults.  It's part of being a member of the family.

On the other hand, in order to prepare children for "real life", when they grow up and have families and jobs of their own, we should pay them so they understand that hard work has it's rewards.  Besides, they need to have money in order to learn the value of saving and giving to charity.

On which side of the fence do you stand?  After a lot of discussion, Ryan and I decided to take the "Pay them" side of the debate; at least for now. 

In our house, there is "housework", and there are "chores".  Housework is the things that everyone needs to do every day(ish) in order to keep the house running and looking nice.  Things like making our beds, brushing our teeth, clearing our dishes after we eat, and picking up our toys after we play with them are all housework.

Chores are things like sweeping and mopping, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, and dusting.  They should be done on a weekly(ish) basis to keep our house clean.

Both housework and assigned chores need to be done daily.  If they do everything that is asked of them each day, they earn 30 minutes of game time the next day.  If they do everything all week, they get $1.  There are extra chores that can be done; things like washing baseboards and cleaning windowsills and washing light switch plates that can be done for either 5 minutes extra game time or 25 cents.

Right now, this is their "job": to learn how to take care of the house and learn the joy that comes from accomplishment.  As they get older, their emphasis will turn more towards the importance of good grades in order to get into college and find success there.  At that point we may start paying for grades instead of chores.  Whether that is Jr. High or High School we haven't decided; Bub is only in 2nd grade, so we have some time to sort it out.

But for now, I like the idea of teaching them that they get paid for their work.  It's motivating for them and I like to watch them get excited as their quarters add up.  They both have goals to use their money for, and occasionally have to make decisions to spend their money now on something shiny that catches their attention, or hold onto it to buy the item they're saving for.  I think it's good practice for them for "real life."

Making chores fun

Chores. Housework. House jobs. Words that strike fear and loathing into kids worldwide. Not only into kids, but into their parents who have to remind, nag, and threaten in order to get kids to follow through on their responsibilities. Well, I'm here to tell you it doesn't have to be that bad. Here are a few tips to make the drudgery a little more bearable. (And sometimes, actually fun!)

1 - Music! Who doesn't work a little easier with music?  Heaven knows I get a lot more done with my jogging soundtrack playing in the background.  Your kids can benefit from the same motivation. I have two playlists that the kids love to listen to while working. One is Disney songs.  The other has fun family-friend songs by the likes of Robbie Schaeffer, Secret Agent 23 Skidoo, Jonathan Coulton, and Kermit the Frog. 

2 - Make it a game.  I was the second of seven kids, and my Mom was great about making things fun.  She'd have us count to see who could pick up the highest number of toys.  Or we'd pretend the floor was hot lava and we had to jump across couch cushions on the floor as we picked up without touching the lava.

While doing laundry, my kids and I play Castle Panic.   I start folding clothes and putting them in piles.  They're the towers to my castle.  The kids are the monsters, trying to get rid of my towers as fast as I can build them.  

3 - Employ reverse psychology.  This is, by far, my favorite technique to use to motivate my kids.  My kids love it when I'm "silly."  I tell them "Whatever you do, don't pick up the clothes in your bedroom.  In fact, when I get back upstairs, I want ALL of your clothes out of your drawers on your bedroom floor."  Of course, they giggle and run into their bedrooms and do the opposite of what I ask.  I check in regularly with comments.  "Hey, where'd all the toys go?  I told you I wanted them out!  Not put away!  Now, get to dumping them out or we'll be late for school!"  Have fun with it.  The more fun you're having, the more likely they will jump on board and play along.

Sometimes, when they need even more motivation for a big job, I tell them I'm going to do it myself.  As I pick up items from the floor, they "magically" disappear out of my hands and just jump into the toy buckets all by themselves.  It's kinda crazy how that happens.  I figure it must be magic, but the magic seems to giggle just like my kids.  Go figure.

Or sometimes I tell them to put things in silly places.  "Can you please put this pile of dirty clothes in the dishwasher."  Or "Please clean out the dishwasher and put all of the clean dishes in the bathtub."  Oh, how they love disobeying!

4 - Compete or race.  I tend to have them compete against me rather than against each other.  I think my experience of having a bigger brother that could do EVERYTHING better than me (or so it seemed at the time) makes me want to be sensitive to my Dolly, who has a big brother just like I did.  I tell them I can get dressed before they do, or empty the dishwasher before they clean up the toys in their bedrooms, or whatever.  Then I watch as they run off and help each other finish their tasks.  And of course, I call out regular updates on how quickly I'm doing my chore to keep them motivated.

 5 - Last, if all of the fun motivators don't work, have clear cut consequences if chores are not done.  And make sure these consequences are motivating for your child.  Bub has to do all of his chores or he cannot have his game time.  Game time wasn't a good enough motivator for Dolly.  But going to bed half an hour early is.  Especially since it means she goes to bed before Boo.  The consequence may be different for each child.  Don't be afraid to experiment a bit until you find the right consequence or reward for each child.

What do you do to motivate your kids to do their chores?  Share in the comments!

Time out

I was asked to do a post on how to do a proper time out.  A reader is having a hard time with her toddler.  He'll intentionally break a rule and run into their time out spot, giggling the whole way.  She's not sure how to make it work.

There are two major trains of thought for how to do a proper time out.  I'll run down both of them, and then tell you why I do both.

First, some parents choose to put a child in time out for 1 minute per year of age.  When your child engages in an inappropriate behavior, you tell them "You chose to ___________, you get to sit in time out for 3 (or however many) minutes."  Take them to the time out spot and sit them there.  If they get out before the 3 minutes is up, you sit them back down and start the timer over again.  Yes, it can take a while when they're learning this method of discipline.  They'll get angry and get out of time out and it can seem like hours.  But eventually they will learn.

One of the most important factors is to make sure they know they're missing something.  Continue playing with their sibling, sit down and read one of their favorite books, quietly, to yourself, or go on with your housework as if nothing is wrong.  They will soon learn that time out isn't a fun place to be.

After their time is up, go to them, look them in the eye and have them apologize for whatever action landed them there.  Thank them, and tell them that if they choose to engage in that behavior again, they will sit in time out again.

The second school of thought for time out is to have them sit for as long as they feel they need until they are ready to behave.  Most of the rest of the rules are the same: make sure it's not "fun", and have them apologize when they're done.

I use both methods in my home.  The first is the most used: typical infractions like hitting and disobedience get timed time outs.

Tantrums and crankiness get the second kind of time out.  It's important for children to learn to calm themselves down when they're upset.  If you coddle and rescue them every time they're having a hard time coping, it does nothing to teach them the skills in the long run.

So for emotional breakdowns, I put my kids in our time out spot, the first step of the stairs, until they are ready to be happy.  After they get themselves out, any indication of crankiness gets them sent back.  Sometimes they pop up immediately and are okay.  My more emotional one was know to take 30 minutes of whining and fussing lying there on the bottom step before he was ready to get up.  But now he does a much better job of self-quieting when he's upset.

Quiet time

In "Parenting that Works", Dr.'s Christopherson and Mortweet give a simple hint to encourage children to talk to their parents.  I decided to try this hint and thought I'd report my progress to you.

They encourage "Quiet Time".  This isn't where Mom makes the kids be quiet because they're on her last nerve.  This is where the kid gets carte blanche to talk about anything on their minds.  All you have to do is be quiet.  Most people, even young kids, want to fill the silence.  Mom and/or Dad just listen.  They don't offer advice, try and probe for more information, or judge in any way.  Just let them talk.  

I decided to try this with my Bub.  I couldn't get him to say a word about school.  We'd walk 10 minutes home, and I'd try all the questions I could think of to get him to talk:  What was your favorite part of the day?  What did you learn today?  Who did you play with at recess?  What was your favorite center?  And I got nothing from him.  "I dunno."  "Nothing."  "No one."  "I dunno."  

So I decided to be quiet.  No questions, no probing.  Just quiet.  The first couple of days he didn't really say much.  But as he got used to our new status quo, he started talking.  And talking.  Now, when I pick him up from school, I get an immediate 10 minute rundown of everything that happened that day.  "Jordan and I played Minecraft at recess and Alyza drew hearts on my paper and my teacher said my paragraph was really funny and I should write another sentence and...and...and...."

I never knew this kid could talk so much.  All it took for me to be quiet.  He knows those 10 minutes are his time to talk.  Now, that's not to say that we never address the things he talks about.  Trust me; when he brought home the paper with hearts drawn it by Alyza, we had a little talk about Alyza.  Just not during quiet time.  

I highly recommend implementing this technique with your children. 

Book Review: Parenting That Works (and my first give-away!)

Parenting That Works by Edward R. Christophersen, PhD and Susan L. Mortweet, PhD is probably my favorite parenting book.  My friend Suzie recommended it to me a few years ago.  I was struggling with my Dolly at mealtimes.  She was throwing food and being disruptive during mealtimes.  I had tried every trick I knew, and I just couldn't manage her behavior.

Suzie read this book when she was in college to become a teacher.  It was required reading in a psychology class.  I'm going to be bold and say it should be required reading for all parents.  The ideas talked about lay a solid foundation for so many different facets of parenting.

Dr’s Christophersen and Mortweet encourage teaching behavior that’s going to serve children in the long run.  They encourage you to develop a 10 year plan: what are your goals for your children in 10 years?  Do you want them to be voracious readers?  Love the arts?  Love learning and focus on homework before playing video games?  What about sports?  Whatever your goals are for your child, you need to begin teaching those skills now.

They believe that the best way to teach children behavior is to model it for them.  From teaching manners, self-quieting skills, and independent play, make sure you model these behaviors for them.

They are also big believers in positive reinforcement.  Whether it's a wink, a hair tousle, or a verbal compliment when they demonstrate a skill you've been teaching, your reward for their behavior will encourage them to continue that behavior.  They also believe the biggest motivator for children’s behavior is time with Mom or Dad.  I’ve found that to be true with my own kids – a promise of “together time” with Mommy or Daddy is a great motivator for good behavior.

They cover specific parenting topics: your child’s behavior away from home, getting the most out of toys, games, and sports, and dealing with toilet training, bedtimes, tantrums and whining, and aggression. 
 
I have used so many of their ideas with my children, and continually refer back to certain sections as my children grow and new challenges are presented.  I just finished my second reading of it cover to cover, and it was as helpful this time through as it was the first time. 

Since I love this book so much, I'm giving away a copy!  See below for four chances to win.  Good luck!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

My Own Lessons From Frozen

Bloggers and other public personalities from around the world have their own interpretations of Frozen's themes.  From assertions that Elsa is a lesbian (I'm not even going to link it, I find it so ridiculous) to ideas of mending old, broken relationships, Frozen is full of lessons to be learned.  (Or lessons to be over-analyzed and mis-interpreted.) 

When I first saw the movie with my Dolly on Thanksgiving Day, I came home thinking about Elsa.  Elsa was born with an AMAZING talent.  It's understandable that their parents wanted to hide it though.  They were scared of it.  They didn't know how to teach her to use it.  And they wanted to protect Anna.  Unfortunately, they did it at a great expense: stifling Anna's power to the point where she could no longer control it.  They didn't know how to handle a daughter with such a great power.  She could have done so many amazing things.  But instead of being taught how to use that talent, it was hidden.  She was not only taught to NOT use it, she was actually taught that it was a bad thing. 

What if Elsa's parents had taught her, at a young age, to use her power instead of hiding it?  What if they taught her to use it under controlled circumstances, where she could do very little harm to others while she learned.  Granted, it wouldn't have made for as good of a movie.  But it would have made for a much healthier relationship between sisters, and a tremendous sense of self-worth for Elsa.  I love this video from the guys at "How it Should Have Ended".  I think they hit the nail on the head.

Have you had a child that had a really strong personality trait?  Maybe he is really bossy, kind of a know-it-all, and occasionally a little disrespectful when he feels like he’s not being listened to.  Maybe you have a child who is a ringleader; she’s always getting everyone in trouble.  She can convince the best behaved kid to go against their judgment.  

These kids have gifts.  Though it’s hard to see the gift through the trouble they get into.  Sometimes it seems like it’d just be easier to suppress the strong personality; discipline it out of them and make them compliant.  But these kids are leaders.  Their skills just need to be honed.  We have the opportunity to mold their amazing power into leadership skills that will serve them the rest of their lives.  They just need to be taught to use these skills for the right purposes.  And until their gift is controlled, it needs to be done under the careful, watchful eye of a parent or other adult so it minimizes the opportunity to strain relationships with siblings, friends, parents and teachers.

It’s a hard task we have, as parents, to take these children and mold them into their full potential.  But we can.  It takes patience, consistency, and time.  But to honor our child’s natural gifts will bring them the confidence they need to be the well-rounded, successful adults that they can be.

When Mom's Not Happy...

Have you seen that bumper sticker or license plate holder or meme?  It says, "When Mom's not happy, nobody's happy."  It's simple enough, right?  The kids and hubby need to keep Mom happy, because then EVERYONE will be happy. 

At least, that's the common interpretation.  But a lesson from Disneyland got me thinking about it a different way.

We were getting out of the car right after parking.  There was a mom next to us with two school age boys and a toddler.  The boys were obviously excited.  They were talking about the rides they were going to go on, and which park first, and how long they would be willing to wait for different rides.  They were working together, compromising, and had a great energy to them.

As they set off, Mom turned around and told them, most crankily, that if there's any bickering, arguing, fighting, disrespect, etc, she’ll take them straight home.

These boy’s countenances went from joy to despair almost instantaneously.  As they walked away, their shoulders were hunched, faces forlorn, and all the joy and companionship gone.  They started bickering and hitting each other.  I thought "If Mom stays true to her words, this is going to be a short trip for those boys." 

Was she wrong to give them consequences for their behaviors?  Of course not!  It's a great idea to set behavior expectations so everyone knows what's acceptable.  And her warnings were probably based on past experiences. The impression I got, though, was that she was expecting them to misbehave, and was dreading having to deal with them when they do. Remember - our children are going to live up to the expectations we have for them, be they good or bad.

No matter the attitudes of the people around us. we have a tremendous power to bring happiness to ourselves and our families, just by how we choose to feel and respond.  When we choose to be cranky, like this mom at Disneyland did, that is going to rub off on everyone else around us.  If we choose to be happy, others will follow suit, too.  

Making the Crib to Bed Transition

I've had a couple of parents talk to me lately about making the crib to bed transition with their toddlers.  They were both having problems getting their toddlers to stay in their beds.

I went through this recently with my Boo.  I used the Supernanny method.  You start by doing your bedtime or naptime routine: tucks, hugs, kisses, books, songs, etc.

When he got out of bed and started banging on the door to be let out, I went back in his room, put him on his bed, said "time for night-night", kissed him, and left the room.  If he got out of bed and banged on the door again, I went back in and put him in bed.  After the first time, I didn't say a word or give him any kind of attention.  You don't want to reward undesirable behavior with attention or you'll just encourage that behavior.

There was crying, and sometimes he was out of bed again before I even left the room.  I just put him back in bed without a word.  There were a couple of times he fell asleep behind the door.  But as long as he wasn't trying to get out of the room, I just left him.

The first two days he fell asleep behind the door. 
I love watching him sleep.  It's so peaceful.

The first time I used this method, it took almost a full hour of putting him back in bed until he stayed there.  But he learned in just two days that Mom is not going to give in.  He'll occasionally have days where he'll try it again, but it only takes putting him back in bed once or twice to realize that Mom (or Dad) mean business and he's not going to get away with it.

I'll be honest: it can be hard on Mom and/or Dad.  The crying can be hard to deal with.  You may feel like you're torturing him/her.  But engaging in positive self-talk (This is only for his good; He's only upset because it's not what he's used to; He's learning a new skill and sometimes that can be hard; It's best for him in the long run) will help get you through the hard parts.

Game Review: Sleeping Queens

Sleeping Queens was invented by a 6 year old girl who woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep.  When morning came, she started drawing pictures and presented the game to her older sister and parents.  They thought it was a great idea, and helped get it illustrated and on the market. 

You start with 12 Sleeping Queens upside down in the center of your play area.  You use the kings from the deck to wake up your Queens.  Each Queen is worth points, and whoever collects the right number of points first wins!

The blue-backed cards are the Queens, waiting to be woken up.

Besides the kings, the deck has knights you can use to steal other player's queens, dragons to defend against the knights, sleeping potions to put queens back to sleep, and magic wands to defend against the potions.  The court jesters also make an appearance.

There are also number cards, which can be discarded to get new cards.  These can be discarded in singles, pairs, or by making an addition sentence.  i.e. If you have a 3, a 4, and a 7 in your hand, you can discard them for 3 new cards because 3+4=7.

Sleeping Queens is an adorable game that is simple for school-age children.  The recommended age is 8, but my 5 and 6 year old can play it easily. Sometimes my 5 year old needs help with her "math problems", but she can figure out some of them on her own.

Besides the simplicity of the game, I love the artwork.  The queens and kings are all themed and whimsically illustrated.  It doesn't take long to play.  It is a great addition to any family's game collection.

Book Review: The No Cry Sleep Solution

I read this book solely because an awesome Mom that I know relied on it for getting her kids to sleep.  I was knew I already liked The Baby Whisperer, but figured it wouldn't hurt to expand my repertoire and possibly add a few tools to my arsenal.

The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley is written for parents who don't like their babies to cry at all.  She tested her theories on 50 babies, guiding their mother's through her plan.  Most of the mothers had very good experiences in teaching their babies to sleep without crying.  These babies ranged in age from newborns up to babies who were over a year old.  The mothers were frustrated and were ready for help.  Their experiences are included throughout the book.

Most of Elizabeth's methods are very gentle, but aren't going to have immediate results.  Her methods are slow, and if you're really sleep-deprived and desperate, you might not have the patience to wait it out.  But if you're dedicated to teaching your baby to sleep without crying, it's going to be a great resource for you.

I would even recommend it for parents before their baby is born.  Some of her methods can be used to teach a baby to sleep on their own from the beginning.

My only problem with the book came towards the end.  She passed judgement on a mother who chose to have her baby in a stroller instead of out, socializing and being held.  It felt very "holier than thou," and left a bad taste in my mouth about her and how she views parents who parent differently than her.

Other than that, I think it is an awesome resource to add to one's parenting toolbox. 

"Just wait until they're teenagers..."

Have you ever had someone come up to you in public and warn you to enjoy your kids when they're young, because when they're teenagers they're going to be terrible?  I've had it happen to me a few times, and I really don't like it.

I don't like it is because my children are hearing another adult say that they're going to behave badly.  And do you know what happens when you tell children they're going to behave badly? Of course!  They'll behave badly. 

Our children are going to live up to the expectations we have for them, be they good or bad.  When they hear us or other adults say that we expect poor behavior from them, they are going to comply with that expectation.  The opposite is also true.  When we express our expectations for positive behavior, they will be more likely to comply with that also. 

Don't worry; I'm not delusional.  I know that the teenage years can be rough.  I know that most parents, even those with children who don't purposely misbehave and rebel, go through some tough patches as their children become more independent.  But to expect rebellious behavior is going to bring about self-fulfilling prophesy.

So I have something to say to the well-meaning but thoughtless people in the aisles of the grocery stores. "Thank you for your thoughts, but instead of telling my children that they are going to misbehave, I choose to tell them how much I look forward to our relationships growing as they get older, and how it's so exciting to watch them grow into responsible children and young adults." And who wouldn't want THAT self-fulfilling prophesy to come true!?

Don't Say Don't

How many times a day so you hear yourself telling your child "Don't?" "Don't kick the dog." "Don't leave your backpack in the floor."  "Don't hit your sister."  Those are pretty typical phrases found in most homes, including mine.

In one if the day cares I worked in, the director taught us an important tool for teaching children what behavior is expected of them.  She said, "Don't say don't. " 

When she first taught me this in training, my reaction was, "But if I don't tell them not to do things, then how do I correct their behavior?" 

 "Exactly,"  she replied.  When ALL you tell someone is, "Don't," they only know what they AREN'T supposed to do.  Not what they ARE supposed to do. 

She taught me to switch the sentence around.  Instead of saying "don't", request that they stop the negative behavior and give them a positive alternative at the same time. 

So, instead of "Don't hit your sister," try, "If you're mad enough that you have to use your body to be angry, hit the wall.  Not your sister."

Instead of "Don't leave your backpack on the floor," try "Please put your backpack on its hook instead of the floor."

"Instead of kicking the dog, please use your nice hands to pet her." 

"Please keep your feet on the floor instead if the couch."

The child is always left with an appropriate alternative to the behavior so it leaves no question what you expect of them.