Time out

I was asked to do a post on how to do a proper time out.  A reader is having a hard time with her toddler.  He'll intentionally break a rule and run into their time out spot, giggling the whole way.  She's not sure how to make it work.

There are two major trains of thought for how to do a proper time out.  I'll run down both of them, and then tell you why I do both.

First, some parents choose to put a child in time out for 1 minute per year of age.  When your child engages in an inappropriate behavior, you tell them "You chose to ___________, you get to sit in time out for 3 (or however many) minutes."  Take them to the time out spot and sit them there.  If they get out before the 3 minutes is up, you sit them back down and start the timer over again.  Yes, it can take a while when they're learning this method of discipline.  They'll get angry and get out of time out and it can seem like hours.  But eventually they will learn.

One of the most important factors is to make sure they know they're missing something.  Continue playing with their sibling, sit down and read one of their favorite books, quietly, to yourself, or go on with your housework as if nothing is wrong.  They will soon learn that time out isn't a fun place to be.

After their time is up, go to them, look them in the eye and have them apologize for whatever action landed them there.  Thank them, and tell them that if they choose to engage in that behavior again, they will sit in time out again.

The second school of thought for time out is to have them sit for as long as they feel they need until they are ready to behave.  Most of the rest of the rules are the same: make sure it's not "fun", and have them apologize when they're done.

I use both methods in my home.  The first is the most used: typical infractions like hitting and disobedience get timed time outs.

Tantrums and crankiness get the second kind of time out.  It's important for children to learn to calm themselves down when they're upset.  If you coddle and rescue them every time they're having a hard time coping, it does nothing to teach them the skills in the long run.

So for emotional breakdowns, I put my kids in our time out spot, the first step of the stairs, until they are ready to be happy.  After they get themselves out, any indication of crankiness gets them sent back.  Sometimes they pop up immediately and are okay.  My more emotional one was know to take 30 minutes of whining and fussing lying there on the bottom step before he was ready to get up.  But now he does a much better job of self-quieting when he's upset.