Time out

I was asked to do a post on how to do a proper time out.  A reader is having a hard time with her toddler.  He'll intentionally break a rule and run into their time out spot, giggling the whole way.  She's not sure how to make it work.

There are two major trains of thought for how to do a proper time out.  I'll run down both of them, and then tell you why I do both.

First, some parents choose to put a child in time out for 1 minute per year of age.  When your child engages in an inappropriate behavior, you tell them "You chose to ___________, you get to sit in time out for 3 (or however many) minutes."  Take them to the time out spot and sit them there.  If they get out before the 3 minutes is up, you sit them back down and start the timer over again.  Yes, it can take a while when they're learning this method of discipline.  They'll get angry and get out of time out and it can seem like hours.  But eventually they will learn.

One of the most important factors is to make sure they know they're missing something.  Continue playing with their sibling, sit down and read one of their favorite books, quietly, to yourself, or go on with your housework as if nothing is wrong.  They will soon learn that time out isn't a fun place to be.

After their time is up, go to them, look them in the eye and have them apologize for whatever action landed them there.  Thank them, and tell them that if they choose to engage in that behavior again, they will sit in time out again.

The second school of thought for time out is to have them sit for as long as they feel they need until they are ready to behave.  Most of the rest of the rules are the same: make sure it's not "fun", and have them apologize when they're done.

I use both methods in my home.  The first is the most used: typical infractions like hitting and disobedience get timed time outs.

Tantrums and crankiness get the second kind of time out.  It's important for children to learn to calm themselves down when they're upset.  If you coddle and rescue them every time they're having a hard time coping, it does nothing to teach them the skills in the long run.

So for emotional breakdowns, I put my kids in our time out spot, the first step of the stairs, until they are ready to be happy.  After they get themselves out, any indication of crankiness gets them sent back.  Sometimes they pop up immediately and are okay.  My more emotional one was know to take 30 minutes of whining and fussing lying there on the bottom step before he was ready to get up.  But now he does a much better job of self-quieting when he's upset.

Quiet time

In "Parenting that Works", Dr.'s Christopherson and Mortweet give a simple hint to encourage children to talk to their parents.  I decided to try this hint and thought I'd report my progress to you.

They encourage "Quiet Time".  This isn't where Mom makes the kids be quiet because they're on her last nerve.  This is where the kid gets carte blanche to talk about anything on their minds.  All you have to do is be quiet.  Most people, even young kids, want to fill the silence.  Mom and/or Dad just listen.  They don't offer advice, try and probe for more information, or judge in any way.  Just let them talk.  

I decided to try this with my Bub.  I couldn't get him to say a word about school.  We'd walk 10 minutes home, and I'd try all the questions I could think of to get him to talk:  What was your favorite part of the day?  What did you learn today?  Who did you play with at recess?  What was your favorite center?  And I got nothing from him.  "I dunno."  "Nothing."  "No one."  "I dunno."  

So I decided to be quiet.  No questions, no probing.  Just quiet.  The first couple of days he didn't really say much.  But as he got used to our new status quo, he started talking.  And talking.  Now, when I pick him up from school, I get an immediate 10 minute rundown of everything that happened that day.  "Jordan and I played Minecraft at recess and Alyza drew hearts on my paper and my teacher said my paragraph was really funny and I should write another sentence and...and...and...."

I never knew this kid could talk so much.  All it took for me to be quiet.  He knows those 10 minutes are his time to talk.  Now, that's not to say that we never address the things he talks about.  Trust me; when he brought home the paper with hearts drawn it by Alyza, we had a little talk about Alyza.  Just not during quiet time.  

I highly recommend implementing this technique with your children. 

Book Review: Parenting That Works (and my first give-away!)

Parenting That Works by Edward R. Christophersen, PhD and Susan L. Mortweet, PhD is probably my favorite parenting book.  My friend Suzie recommended it to me a few years ago.  I was struggling with my Dolly at mealtimes.  She was throwing food and being disruptive during mealtimes.  I had tried every trick I knew, and I just couldn't manage her behavior.

Suzie read this book when she was in college to become a teacher.  It was required reading in a psychology class.  I'm going to be bold and say it should be required reading for all parents.  The ideas talked about lay a solid foundation for so many different facets of parenting.

Dr’s Christophersen and Mortweet encourage teaching behavior that’s going to serve children in the long run.  They encourage you to develop a 10 year plan: what are your goals for your children in 10 years?  Do you want them to be voracious readers?  Love the arts?  Love learning and focus on homework before playing video games?  What about sports?  Whatever your goals are for your child, you need to begin teaching those skills now.

They believe that the best way to teach children behavior is to model it for them.  From teaching manners, self-quieting skills, and independent play, make sure you model these behaviors for them.

They are also big believers in positive reinforcement.  Whether it's a wink, a hair tousle, or a verbal compliment when they demonstrate a skill you've been teaching, your reward for their behavior will encourage them to continue that behavior.  They also believe the biggest motivator for children’s behavior is time with Mom or Dad.  I’ve found that to be true with my own kids – a promise of “together time” with Mommy or Daddy is a great motivator for good behavior.

They cover specific parenting topics: your child’s behavior away from home, getting the most out of toys, games, and sports, and dealing with toilet training, bedtimes, tantrums and whining, and aggression. 
 
I have used so many of their ideas with my children, and continually refer back to certain sections as my children grow and new challenges are presented.  I just finished my second reading of it cover to cover, and it was as helpful this time through as it was the first time. 

Since I love this book so much, I'm giving away a copy!  See below for four chances to win.  Good luck!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

My Own Lessons From Frozen

Bloggers and other public personalities from around the world have their own interpretations of Frozen's themes.  From assertions that Elsa is a lesbian (I'm not even going to link it, I find it so ridiculous) to ideas of mending old, broken relationships, Frozen is full of lessons to be learned.  (Or lessons to be over-analyzed and mis-interpreted.) 

When I first saw the movie with my Dolly on Thanksgiving Day, I came home thinking about Elsa.  Elsa was born with an AMAZING talent.  It's understandable that their parents wanted to hide it though.  They were scared of it.  They didn't know how to teach her to use it.  And they wanted to protect Anna.  Unfortunately, they did it at a great expense: stifling Anna's power to the point where she could no longer control it.  They didn't know how to handle a daughter with such a great power.  She could have done so many amazing things.  But instead of being taught how to use that talent, it was hidden.  She was not only taught to NOT use it, she was actually taught that it was a bad thing. 

What if Elsa's parents had taught her, at a young age, to use her power instead of hiding it?  What if they taught her to use it under controlled circumstances, where she could do very little harm to others while she learned.  Granted, it wouldn't have made for as good of a movie.  But it would have made for a much healthier relationship between sisters, and a tremendous sense of self-worth for Elsa.  I love this video from the guys at "How it Should Have Ended".  I think they hit the nail on the head.

Have you had a child that had a really strong personality trait?  Maybe he is really bossy, kind of a know-it-all, and occasionally a little disrespectful when he feels like he’s not being listened to.  Maybe you have a child who is a ringleader; she’s always getting everyone in trouble.  She can convince the best behaved kid to go against their judgment.  

These kids have gifts.  Though it’s hard to see the gift through the trouble they get into.  Sometimes it seems like it’d just be easier to suppress the strong personality; discipline it out of them and make them compliant.  But these kids are leaders.  Their skills just need to be honed.  We have the opportunity to mold their amazing power into leadership skills that will serve them the rest of their lives.  They just need to be taught to use these skills for the right purposes.  And until their gift is controlled, it needs to be done under the careful, watchful eye of a parent or other adult so it minimizes the opportunity to strain relationships with siblings, friends, parents and teachers.

It’s a hard task we have, as parents, to take these children and mold them into their full potential.  But we can.  It takes patience, consistency, and time.  But to honor our child’s natural gifts will bring them the confidence they need to be the well-rounded, successful adults that they can be.

When Mom's Not Happy...

Have you seen that bumper sticker or license plate holder or meme?  It says, "When Mom's not happy, nobody's happy."  It's simple enough, right?  The kids and hubby need to keep Mom happy, because then EVERYONE will be happy. 

At least, that's the common interpretation.  But a lesson from Disneyland got me thinking about it a different way.

We were getting out of the car right after parking.  There was a mom next to us with two school age boys and a toddler.  The boys were obviously excited.  They were talking about the rides they were going to go on, and which park first, and how long they would be willing to wait for different rides.  They were working together, compromising, and had a great energy to them.

As they set off, Mom turned around and told them, most crankily, that if there's any bickering, arguing, fighting, disrespect, etc, she’ll take them straight home.

These boy’s countenances went from joy to despair almost instantaneously.  As they walked away, their shoulders were hunched, faces forlorn, and all the joy and companionship gone.  They started bickering and hitting each other.  I thought "If Mom stays true to her words, this is going to be a short trip for those boys." 

Was she wrong to give them consequences for their behaviors?  Of course not!  It's a great idea to set behavior expectations so everyone knows what's acceptable.  And her warnings were probably based on past experiences. The impression I got, though, was that she was expecting them to misbehave, and was dreading having to deal with them when they do. Remember - our children are going to live up to the expectations we have for them, be they good or bad.

No matter the attitudes of the people around us. we have a tremendous power to bring happiness to ourselves and our families, just by how we choose to feel and respond.  When we choose to be cranky, like this mom at Disneyland did, that is going to rub off on everyone else around us.  If we choose to be happy, others will follow suit, too.  

Making the Crib to Bed Transition

I've had a couple of parents talk to me lately about making the crib to bed transition with their toddlers.  They were both having problems getting their toddlers to stay in their beds.

I went through this recently with my Boo.  I used the Supernanny method.  You start by doing your bedtime or naptime routine: tucks, hugs, kisses, books, songs, etc.

When he got out of bed and started banging on the door to be let out, I went back in his room, put him on his bed, said "time for night-night", kissed him, and left the room.  If he got out of bed and banged on the door again, I went back in and put him in bed.  After the first time, I didn't say a word or give him any kind of attention.  You don't want to reward undesirable behavior with attention or you'll just encourage that behavior.

There was crying, and sometimes he was out of bed again before I even left the room.  I just put him back in bed without a word.  There were a couple of times he fell asleep behind the door.  But as long as he wasn't trying to get out of the room, I just left him.

The first two days he fell asleep behind the door. 
I love watching him sleep.  It's so peaceful.

The first time I used this method, it took almost a full hour of putting him back in bed until he stayed there.  But he learned in just two days that Mom is not going to give in.  He'll occasionally have days where he'll try it again, but it only takes putting him back in bed once or twice to realize that Mom (or Dad) mean business and he's not going to get away with it.

I'll be honest: it can be hard on Mom and/or Dad.  The crying can be hard to deal with.  You may feel like you're torturing him/her.  But engaging in positive self-talk (This is only for his good; He's only upset because it's not what he's used to; He's learning a new skill and sometimes that can be hard; It's best for him in the long run) will help get you through the hard parts.

Game Review: Sleeping Queens

Sleeping Queens was invented by a 6 year old girl who woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep.  When morning came, she started drawing pictures and presented the game to her older sister and parents.  They thought it was a great idea, and helped get it illustrated and on the market. 

You start with 12 Sleeping Queens upside down in the center of your play area.  You use the kings from the deck to wake up your Queens.  Each Queen is worth points, and whoever collects the right number of points first wins!

The blue-backed cards are the Queens, waiting to be woken up.

Besides the kings, the deck has knights you can use to steal other player's queens, dragons to defend against the knights, sleeping potions to put queens back to sleep, and magic wands to defend against the potions.  The court jesters also make an appearance.

There are also number cards, which can be discarded to get new cards.  These can be discarded in singles, pairs, or by making an addition sentence.  i.e. If you have a 3, a 4, and a 7 in your hand, you can discard them for 3 new cards because 3+4=7.

Sleeping Queens is an adorable game that is simple for school-age children.  The recommended age is 8, but my 5 and 6 year old can play it easily. Sometimes my 5 year old needs help with her "math problems", but she can figure out some of them on her own.

Besides the simplicity of the game, I love the artwork.  The queens and kings are all themed and whimsically illustrated.  It doesn't take long to play.  It is a great addition to any family's game collection.

Book Review: The No Cry Sleep Solution

I read this book solely because an awesome Mom that I know relied on it for getting her kids to sleep.  I was knew I already liked The Baby Whisperer, but figured it wouldn't hurt to expand my repertoire and possibly add a few tools to my arsenal.

The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley is written for parents who don't like their babies to cry at all.  She tested her theories on 50 babies, guiding their mother's through her plan.  Most of the mothers had very good experiences in teaching their babies to sleep without crying.  These babies ranged in age from newborns up to babies who were over a year old.  The mothers were frustrated and were ready for help.  Their experiences are included throughout the book.

Most of Elizabeth's methods are very gentle, but aren't going to have immediate results.  Her methods are slow, and if you're really sleep-deprived and desperate, you might not have the patience to wait it out.  But if you're dedicated to teaching your baby to sleep without crying, it's going to be a great resource for you.

I would even recommend it for parents before their baby is born.  Some of her methods can be used to teach a baby to sleep on their own from the beginning.

My only problem with the book came towards the end.  She passed judgement on a mother who chose to have her baby in a stroller instead of out, socializing and being held.  It felt very "holier than thou," and left a bad taste in my mouth about her and how she views parents who parent differently than her.

Other than that, I think it is an awesome resource to add to one's parenting toolbox.