Time to begin again

I've decided it's time to resurrect my old blog.  It's been a little over a year since I've posted.  Our family was going through a rough time, and I needed to focus on making sure my kiddos and I (always make time for self-care!) were given all of the attention we needed. 

I'm excited to announce that I have started classes to become a Parent Youth Family Life Coach.  A life coach works with people who are struggling and need guidance moving forward in an aspect of their lives. Many life coaches work in areas such as wellness, career, and business.  I was excited to stumble upon a school that offers specialty training to be a parent coach.  I decided their program was right up my alley!  There are only a few things I love more than helping parents better their relationships with their children. 

I'm in my second week of an 8 week course.  After that, I will do my specialty studies in the area of Parent Coaching.  At that point I will be a CPYF (Certified Parent Youth Family) Life Coach.  From there, I have chosen to become credentialed through the ICF, one of the two world-wide coach credentialing programs.  In order to become credentialed, I will need to do quite a bit of coaching practice.  I will need 25 pro bono (free) coaching hours, and 75 paid hours.  I do not have to paid at the going rate of other Life Coaches; I am allowed to charge whatever I want, or accept a barter of services.  (For example, if you're a massage therapist and need coaching, we can trade services and have that count.) 

I will keep you updated on my progress in a tab at the top called "Coaching by Heidi".  I look forward to hearing from you and continuing to share my experiences with you in the blog!

I Think We Have It Backwards

I read an article someone posted on facebook the other day (and I can't remember who or else I'd link it) that said, in essence, that when we let our babies cry it out or don't attend to their other emotional needs, we are doing them a disservice and are essentially stunting their emotional development.  The article said the most important thing a baby and young child needs besides food and shelter is attention to it's emotional needs: to be coddled, picked up, stroked, and shown caring.

I read another article today that talked about how on today's college campuses, it's becoming more and more inappropriate to talk about subjects that may make another person uncomfortable.  There is a great desire to protect those who may feel different than others, whether due to traumatic and uncomfortable events in their lives, different opinions, or race.  And while this trend has the unfortunate affect, according to the article, of limiting free speech, it also contributes to what I have heard called "the wussification of America."

People today don't like to have their feelings hurt, and they want to protect others from having their feelings hurt.  I heard someone say once about church that we should never say anything that might make someone feel uncomfortable, that we shouldn't make them feel bad, like they're not trying hard enough.  And I thought, Isn't that why people come to church?  To learn what they need to change in their lives to be a better person?  What's wrong with a little righteous guilt?  We can't coddle adults.  There's a big bad world out there, and they have to be able to face it.

So, here we are coddling adults and protecting their feelings from getting hurt, but our babies are being forced to cry alone in the dark with no one to protect them from getting hurt.  Shouldn't it be the other way around?  Let's coddle and love our babies and shield them from the hurt of no one caring about them.  And as they grow, we can teach them how to handle those tough emotions on their own so that when they are adults, and someone says something that pricks an emotion or a memory, they can deal with it.

To Pay or Not to Pay... For Chores

It's the age old debate: do you pay your children to do their chores?

On one hand, children  should contribute to the cleanliness of the house, just like the adults.  It's part of being a member of the family.

On the other hand, in order to prepare children for "real life", when they grow up and have families and jobs of their own, we should pay them so they understand that hard work has it's rewards.  Besides, they need to have money in order to learn the value of saving and giving to charity.

On which side of the fence do you stand?  After a lot of discussion, Ryan and I decided to take the "Pay them" side of the debate; at least for now. 

In our house, there is "housework", and there are "chores".  Housework is the things that everyone needs to do every day(ish) in order to keep the house running and looking nice.  Things like making our beds, brushing our teeth, clearing our dishes after we eat, and picking up our toys after we play with them are all housework.

Chores are things like sweeping and mopping, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, and dusting.  They should be done on a weekly(ish) basis to keep our house clean.

Both housework and assigned chores need to be done daily.  If they do everything that is asked of them each day, they earn 30 minutes of game time the next day.  If they do everything all week, they get $1.  There are extra chores that can be done; things like washing baseboards and cleaning windowsills and washing light switch plates that can be done for either 5 minutes extra game time or 25 cents.

Right now, this is their "job": to learn how to take care of the house and learn the joy that comes from accomplishment.  As they get older, their emphasis will turn more towards the importance of good grades in order to get into college and find success there.  At that point we may start paying for grades instead of chores.  Whether that is Jr. High or High School we haven't decided; Bub is only in 2nd grade, so we have some time to sort it out.

But for now, I like the idea of teaching them that they get paid for their work.  It's motivating for them and I like to watch them get excited as their quarters add up.  They both have goals to use their money for, and occasionally have to make decisions to spend their money now on something shiny that catches their attention, or hold onto it to buy the item they're saving for.  I think it's good practice for them for "real life."

Making chores fun

Chores. Housework. House jobs. Words that strike fear and loathing into kids worldwide. Not only into kids, but into their parents who have to remind, nag, and threaten in order to get kids to follow through on their responsibilities. Well, I'm here to tell you it doesn't have to be that bad. Here are a few tips to make the drudgery a little more bearable. (And sometimes, actually fun!)

1 - Music! Who doesn't work a little easier with music?  Heaven knows I get a lot more done with my jogging soundtrack playing in the background.  Your kids can benefit from the same motivation. I have two playlists that the kids love to listen to while working. One is Disney songs.  The other has fun family-friend songs by the likes of Robbie Schaeffer, Secret Agent 23 Skidoo, Jonathan Coulton, and Kermit the Frog. 

2 - Make it a game.  I was the second of seven kids, and my Mom was great about making things fun.  She'd have us count to see who could pick up the highest number of toys.  Or we'd pretend the floor was hot lava and we had to jump across couch cushions on the floor as we picked up without touching the lava.

While doing laundry, my kids and I play Castle Panic.   I start folding clothes and putting them in piles.  They're the towers to my castle.  The kids are the monsters, trying to get rid of my towers as fast as I can build them.  

3 - Employ reverse psychology.  This is, by far, my favorite technique to use to motivate my kids.  My kids love it when I'm "silly."  I tell them "Whatever you do, don't pick up the clothes in your bedroom.  In fact, when I get back upstairs, I want ALL of your clothes out of your drawers on your bedroom floor."  Of course, they giggle and run into their bedrooms and do the opposite of what I ask.  I check in regularly with comments.  "Hey, where'd all the toys go?  I told you I wanted them out!  Not put away!  Now, get to dumping them out or we'll be late for school!"  Have fun with it.  The more fun you're having, the more likely they will jump on board and play along.

Sometimes, when they need even more motivation for a big job, I tell them I'm going to do it myself.  As I pick up items from the floor, they "magically" disappear out of my hands and just jump into the toy buckets all by themselves.  It's kinda crazy how that happens.  I figure it must be magic, but the magic seems to giggle just like my kids.  Go figure.

Or sometimes I tell them to put things in silly places.  "Can you please put this pile of dirty clothes in the dishwasher."  Or "Please clean out the dishwasher and put all of the clean dishes in the bathtub."  Oh, how they love disobeying!

4 - Compete or race.  I tend to have them compete against me rather than against each other.  I think my experience of having a bigger brother that could do EVERYTHING better than me (or so it seemed at the time) makes me want to be sensitive to my Dolly, who has a big brother just like I did.  I tell them I can get dressed before they do, or empty the dishwasher before they clean up the toys in their bedrooms, or whatever.  Then I watch as they run off and help each other finish their tasks.  And of course, I call out regular updates on how quickly I'm doing my chore to keep them motivated.

 5 - Last, if all of the fun motivators don't work, have clear cut consequences if chores are not done.  And make sure these consequences are motivating for your child.  Bub has to do all of his chores or he cannot have his game time.  Game time wasn't a good enough motivator for Dolly.  But going to bed half an hour early is.  Especially since it means she goes to bed before Boo.  The consequence may be different for each child.  Don't be afraid to experiment a bit until you find the right consequence or reward for each child.

What do you do to motivate your kids to do their chores?  Share in the comments!

Time out

I was asked to do a post on how to do a proper time out.  A reader is having a hard time with her toddler.  He'll intentionally break a rule and run into their time out spot, giggling the whole way.  She's not sure how to make it work.

There are two major trains of thought for how to do a proper time out.  I'll run down both of them, and then tell you why I do both.

First, some parents choose to put a child in time out for 1 minute per year of age.  When your child engages in an inappropriate behavior, you tell them "You chose to ___________, you get to sit in time out for 3 (or however many) minutes."  Take them to the time out spot and sit them there.  If they get out before the 3 minutes is up, you sit them back down and start the timer over again.  Yes, it can take a while when they're learning this method of discipline.  They'll get angry and get out of time out and it can seem like hours.  But eventually they will learn.

One of the most important factors is to make sure they know they're missing something.  Continue playing with their sibling, sit down and read one of their favorite books, quietly, to yourself, or go on with your housework as if nothing is wrong.  They will soon learn that time out isn't a fun place to be.

After their time is up, go to them, look them in the eye and have them apologize for whatever action landed them there.  Thank them, and tell them that if they choose to engage in that behavior again, they will sit in time out again.

The second school of thought for time out is to have them sit for as long as they feel they need until they are ready to behave.  Most of the rest of the rules are the same: make sure it's not "fun", and have them apologize when they're done.

I use both methods in my home.  The first is the most used: typical infractions like hitting and disobedience get timed time outs.

Tantrums and crankiness get the second kind of time out.  It's important for children to learn to calm themselves down when they're upset.  If you coddle and rescue them every time they're having a hard time coping, it does nothing to teach them the skills in the long run.

So for emotional breakdowns, I put my kids in our time out spot, the first step of the stairs, until they are ready to be happy.  After they get themselves out, any indication of crankiness gets them sent back.  Sometimes they pop up immediately and are okay.  My more emotional one was know to take 30 minutes of whining and fussing lying there on the bottom step before he was ready to get up.  But now he does a much better job of self-quieting when he's upset.

Quiet time

In "Parenting that Works", Dr.'s Christopherson and Mortweet give a simple hint to encourage children to talk to their parents.  I decided to try this hint and thought I'd report my progress to you.

They encourage "Quiet Time".  This isn't where Mom makes the kids be quiet because they're on her last nerve.  This is where the kid gets carte blanche to talk about anything on their minds.  All you have to do is be quiet.  Most people, even young kids, want to fill the silence.  Mom and/or Dad just listen.  They don't offer advice, try and probe for more information, or judge in any way.  Just let them talk.  

I decided to try this with my Bub.  I couldn't get him to say a word about school.  We'd walk 10 minutes home, and I'd try all the questions I could think of to get him to talk:  What was your favorite part of the day?  What did you learn today?  Who did you play with at recess?  What was your favorite center?  And I got nothing from him.  "I dunno."  "Nothing."  "No one."  "I dunno."  

So I decided to be quiet.  No questions, no probing.  Just quiet.  The first couple of days he didn't really say much.  But as he got used to our new status quo, he started talking.  And talking.  Now, when I pick him up from school, I get an immediate 10 minute rundown of everything that happened that day.  "Jordan and I played Minecraft at recess and Alyza drew hearts on my paper and my teacher said my paragraph was really funny and I should write another sentence and...and...and...."

I never knew this kid could talk so much.  All it took for me to be quiet.  He knows those 10 minutes are his time to talk.  Now, that's not to say that we never address the things he talks about.  Trust me; when he brought home the paper with hearts drawn it by Alyza, we had a little talk about Alyza.  Just not during quiet time.  

I highly recommend implementing this technique with your children. 

Book Review: Parenting That Works (and my first give-away!)

Parenting That Works by Edward R. Christophersen, PhD and Susan L. Mortweet, PhD is probably my favorite parenting book.  My friend Suzie recommended it to me a few years ago.  I was struggling with my Dolly at mealtimes.  She was throwing food and being disruptive during mealtimes.  I had tried every trick I knew, and I just couldn't manage her behavior.

Suzie read this book when she was in college to become a teacher.  It was required reading in a psychology class.  I'm going to be bold and say it should be required reading for all parents.  The ideas talked about lay a solid foundation for so many different facets of parenting.

Dr’s Christophersen and Mortweet encourage teaching behavior that’s going to serve children in the long run.  They encourage you to develop a 10 year plan: what are your goals for your children in 10 years?  Do you want them to be voracious readers?  Love the arts?  Love learning and focus on homework before playing video games?  What about sports?  Whatever your goals are for your child, you need to begin teaching those skills now.

They believe that the best way to teach children behavior is to model it for them.  From teaching manners, self-quieting skills, and independent play, make sure you model these behaviors for them.

They are also big believers in positive reinforcement.  Whether it's a wink, a hair tousle, or a verbal compliment when they demonstrate a skill you've been teaching, your reward for their behavior will encourage them to continue that behavior.  They also believe the biggest motivator for children’s behavior is time with Mom or Dad.  I’ve found that to be true with my own kids – a promise of “together time” with Mommy or Daddy is a great motivator for good behavior.

They cover specific parenting topics: your child’s behavior away from home, getting the most out of toys, games, and sports, and dealing with toilet training, bedtimes, tantrums and whining, and aggression. 
 
I have used so many of their ideas with my children, and continually refer back to certain sections as my children grow and new challenges are presented.  I just finished my second reading of it cover to cover, and it was as helpful this time through as it was the first time. 

Since I love this book so much, I'm giving away a copy!  See below for four chances to win.  Good luck!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway