To Pay or Not to Pay... For Chores

It's the age old debate: do you pay your children to do their chores?

On one hand, children  should contribute to the cleanliness of the house, just like the adults.  It's part of being a member of the family.

On the other hand, in order to prepare children for "real life", when they grow up and have families and jobs of their own, we should pay them so they understand that hard work has it's rewards.  Besides, they need to have money in order to learn the value of saving and giving to charity.

On which side of the fence do you stand?  After a lot of discussion, Ryan and I decided to take the "Pay them" side of the debate; at least for now. 

In our house, there is "housework", and there are "chores".  Housework is the things that everyone needs to do every day(ish) in order to keep the house running and looking nice.  Things like making our beds, brushing our teeth, clearing our dishes after we eat, and picking up our toys after we play with them are all housework.

Chores are things like sweeping and mopping, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, and dusting.  They should be done on a weekly(ish) basis to keep our house clean.

Both housework and assigned chores need to be done daily.  If they do everything that is asked of them each day, they earn 30 minutes of game time the next day.  If they do everything all week, they get $1.  There are extra chores that can be done; things like washing baseboards and cleaning windowsills and washing light switch plates that can be done for either 5 minutes extra game time or 25 cents.

Right now, this is their "job": to learn how to take care of the house and learn the joy that comes from accomplishment.  As they get older, their emphasis will turn more towards the importance of good grades in order to get into college and find success there.  At that point we may start paying for grades instead of chores.  Whether that is Jr. High or High School we haven't decided; Bub is only in 2nd grade, so we have some time to sort it out.

But for now, I like the idea of teaching them that they get paid for their work.  It's motivating for them and I like to watch them get excited as their quarters add up.  They both have goals to use their money for, and occasionally have to make decisions to spend their money now on something shiny that catches their attention, or hold onto it to buy the item they're saving for.  I think it's good practice for them for "real life."

Making chores fun

Chores. Housework. House jobs. Words that strike fear and loathing into kids worldwide. Not only into kids, but into their parents who have to remind, nag, and threaten in order to get kids to follow through on their responsibilities. Well, I'm here to tell you it doesn't have to be that bad. Here are a few tips to make the drudgery a little more bearable. (And sometimes, actually fun!)

1 - Music! Who doesn't work a little easier with music?  Heaven knows I get a lot more done with my jogging soundtrack playing in the background.  Your kids can benefit from the same motivation. I have two playlists that the kids love to listen to while working. One is Disney songs.  The other has fun family-friend songs by the likes of Robbie Schaeffer, Secret Agent 23 Skidoo, Jonathan Coulton, and Kermit the Frog. 

2 - Make it a game.  I was the second of seven kids, and my Mom was great about making things fun.  She'd have us count to see who could pick up the highest number of toys.  Or we'd pretend the floor was hot lava and we had to jump across couch cushions on the floor as we picked up without touching the lava.

While doing laundry, my kids and I play Castle Panic.   I start folding clothes and putting them in piles.  They're the towers to my castle.  The kids are the monsters, trying to get rid of my towers as fast as I can build them.  

3 - Employ reverse psychology.  This is, by far, my favorite technique to use to motivate my kids.  My kids love it when I'm "silly."  I tell them "Whatever you do, don't pick up the clothes in your bedroom.  In fact, when I get back upstairs, I want ALL of your clothes out of your drawers on your bedroom floor."  Of course, they giggle and run into their bedrooms and do the opposite of what I ask.  I check in regularly with comments.  "Hey, where'd all the toys go?  I told you I wanted them out!  Not put away!  Now, get to dumping them out or we'll be late for school!"  Have fun with it.  The more fun you're having, the more likely they will jump on board and play along.

Sometimes, when they need even more motivation for a big job, I tell them I'm going to do it myself.  As I pick up items from the floor, they "magically" disappear out of my hands and just jump into the toy buckets all by themselves.  It's kinda crazy how that happens.  I figure it must be magic, but the magic seems to giggle just like my kids.  Go figure.

Or sometimes I tell them to put things in silly places.  "Can you please put this pile of dirty clothes in the dishwasher."  Or "Please clean out the dishwasher and put all of the clean dishes in the bathtub."  Oh, how they love disobeying!

4 - Compete or race.  I tend to have them compete against me rather than against each other.  I think my experience of having a bigger brother that could do EVERYTHING better than me (or so it seemed at the time) makes me want to be sensitive to my Dolly, who has a big brother just like I did.  I tell them I can get dressed before they do, or empty the dishwasher before they clean up the toys in their bedrooms, or whatever.  Then I watch as they run off and help each other finish their tasks.  And of course, I call out regular updates on how quickly I'm doing my chore to keep them motivated.

 5 - Last, if all of the fun motivators don't work, have clear cut consequences if chores are not done.  And make sure these consequences are motivating for your child.  Bub has to do all of his chores or he cannot have his game time.  Game time wasn't a good enough motivator for Dolly.  But going to bed half an hour early is.  Especially since it means she goes to bed before Boo.  The consequence may be different for each child.  Don't be afraid to experiment a bit until you find the right consequence or reward for each child.

What do you do to motivate your kids to do their chores?  Share in the comments!

Time out

I was asked to do a post on how to do a proper time out.  A reader is having a hard time with her toddler.  He'll intentionally break a rule and run into their time out spot, giggling the whole way.  She's not sure how to make it work.

There are two major trains of thought for how to do a proper time out.  I'll run down both of them, and then tell you why I do both.

First, some parents choose to put a child in time out for 1 minute per year of age.  When your child engages in an inappropriate behavior, you tell them "You chose to ___________, you get to sit in time out for 3 (or however many) minutes."  Take them to the time out spot and sit them there.  If they get out before the 3 minutes is up, you sit them back down and start the timer over again.  Yes, it can take a while when they're learning this method of discipline.  They'll get angry and get out of time out and it can seem like hours.  But eventually they will learn.

One of the most important factors is to make sure they know they're missing something.  Continue playing with their sibling, sit down and read one of their favorite books, quietly, to yourself, or go on with your housework as if nothing is wrong.  They will soon learn that time out isn't a fun place to be.

After their time is up, go to them, look them in the eye and have them apologize for whatever action landed them there.  Thank them, and tell them that if they choose to engage in that behavior again, they will sit in time out again.

The second school of thought for time out is to have them sit for as long as they feel they need until they are ready to behave.  Most of the rest of the rules are the same: make sure it's not "fun", and have them apologize when they're done.

I use both methods in my home.  The first is the most used: typical infractions like hitting and disobedience get timed time outs.

Tantrums and crankiness get the second kind of time out.  It's important for children to learn to calm themselves down when they're upset.  If you coddle and rescue them every time they're having a hard time coping, it does nothing to teach them the skills in the long run.

So for emotional breakdowns, I put my kids in our time out spot, the first step of the stairs, until they are ready to be happy.  After they get themselves out, any indication of crankiness gets them sent back.  Sometimes they pop up immediately and are okay.  My more emotional one was know to take 30 minutes of whining and fussing lying there on the bottom step before he was ready to get up.  But now he does a much better job of self-quieting when he's upset.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

I remember a few years ago when my oldest, Bub, was about 3 years old.  I took the kids to Sea World with some friends for a fun day's outing.  It had been raining, and my trunk lock would get stuck when it was wet.  The kids were anxious to get going, my friends were waiting for me, but I couldn't get my trunk open to get the stroller.  After spending what seems like an ETERNITY finagling the lock, I finally got frustrated enough to give it a swift kick.  It still didn't work.  And my 3 year old looked at me with a confused look on his face and said, "Mommy, why you kick the car?  Kicking not a good choice."  

I had taught him for three years of his life that kicking isn't an appropriate thing to do.  Now I had undone all of that hard work in one moment of frustration.  For the next few months, every time he was angry he kicked something.  When I reminded him that kicking was a bad choice, he reminded me that I kicked the car.  Every time I apologized for my mistake and told him that even though I had made a bad choice that doesn't mean that he gets to make the same bad choice.

A recreation of the fateful kick, only with cooler shoes..

Have your kids ever called you out in a moment when you're not following your own rules?  My Dolly asked me once a last year why she had to make her bed and I didn't.  I don't like to make my bed because an hour after I do, my graveyard-working hubby gets home and goes to bed and it gets all messy again.  I don't really see the point.

But there definitely is a point: I have to follow my own house rules, or else I'm seen as a hypocrite and I lose my role as the rule enforcer in the house.  When I model the behavior I expect from other family members, I am teaching them a powerful lesson: The rules are for everyone in the house.  And if Mommy and Daddy can do it, so can you!

The Three Strikes Rule

I worked in a few day cares after high school.  My favorite was a small day care and preschool ran by an amazing lady.  I learned so much about disciplining and child behavior from her.  Between her example and my Dad's, I developed what I call a three strikes rule.  It's not as much three strikes, but three steps to get children to do what you ask, and when to discipline if they don't.

First strike: This is when you give your child a request:  Please clean your bedroom.  Please get dressed for school.  Make sure you have their attention, and try to stay light-hearted about it. They haven't disobeyed yet; there's no reason to be short.

Second strike: If they choose not to listen, approach them again.  Eye contact works well to make sure you have their attention.  Ask them, "What did I just ask you to do?"  And wait for them to reply.  That way they can't pull the whole "I didn't hear you" schtick.  If they have acknowledged your request and know what you want, after that any disobedience is willful and punishable.  Lastly, lay out the consequence if they choose not to listen.  "If you choose not to clean your bedroom, you will not be able to watch the Family Movie with us later today."  Or will have to sit in the time-out, or not play at a friend's house, or whatever form of discipline you deem appropriate. Have them acknowledge with an "I understand" or "okay".  Again, no more "I didn't knows".

This is where some kids may try to compromise.  "After I'm done with this level on my game", or things like that.  Whether you compromise or not is up to you.  If you do, make sure the game plan is clear for both of you so you both know what to expect.

Third strike:  If they still don't follow through on what is asked of them, that's the third strike.  They're out!  Enact the discipline as stated in strike two.  And be consistent.  No extra chances, no begging or pleading, just do it.  If you don't, they'll learn that you don't mean what you say and you become less effective in your ability to teach them and discipline as needed.

If the job is one that takes longer, like cleaning a very messy bedroom, kids may get distracted.  (Adults may get distracted, too.  Be realistic.)  A quick "What are you supposed to be doing?"  and "What is the consequence if you don't?" is usually enough to put them quickly back on track.  Be frugal with these reminders, though.  Too many and the kids start to feel they're getting away with something.

As you become more consistent, your child may fight you.  Especially if they're not used to be disciplined consistently.  You're going to wonder if it's worth it.  It is.  Stay the course.