Book Review: Parenting That Works (and my first give-away!)

Parenting That Works by Edward R. Christophersen, PhD and Susan L. Mortweet, PhD is probably my favorite parenting book.  My friend Suzie recommended it to me a few years ago.  I was struggling with my Dolly at mealtimes.  She was throwing food and being disruptive during mealtimes.  I had tried every trick I knew, and I just couldn't manage her behavior.

Suzie read this book when she was in college to become a teacher.  It was required reading in a psychology class.  I'm going to be bold and say it should be required reading for all parents.  The ideas talked about lay a solid foundation for so many different facets of parenting.

Dr’s Christophersen and Mortweet encourage teaching behavior that’s going to serve children in the long run.  They encourage you to develop a 10 year plan: what are your goals for your children in 10 years?  Do you want them to be voracious readers?  Love the arts?  Love learning and focus on homework before playing video games?  What about sports?  Whatever your goals are for your child, you need to begin teaching those skills now.

They believe that the best way to teach children behavior is to model it for them.  From teaching manners, self-quieting skills, and independent play, make sure you model these behaviors for them.

They are also big believers in positive reinforcement.  Whether it's a wink, a hair tousle, or a verbal compliment when they demonstrate a skill you've been teaching, your reward for their behavior will encourage them to continue that behavior.  They also believe the biggest motivator for children’s behavior is time with Mom or Dad.  I’ve found that to be true with my own kids – a promise of “together time” with Mommy or Daddy is a great motivator for good behavior.

They cover specific parenting topics: your child’s behavior away from home, getting the most out of toys, games, and sports, and dealing with toilet training, bedtimes, tantrums and whining, and aggression. 
 
I have used so many of their ideas with my children, and continually refer back to certain sections as my children grow and new challenges are presented.  I just finished my second reading of it cover to cover, and it was as helpful this time through as it was the first time. 

Since I love this book so much, I'm giving away a copy!  See below for four chances to win.  Good luck!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

When Mom's Not Happy...

Have you seen that bumper sticker or license plate holder or meme?  It says, "When Mom's not happy, nobody's happy."  It's simple enough, right?  The kids and hubby need to keep Mom happy, because then EVERYONE will be happy. 

At least, that's the common interpretation.  But a lesson from Disneyland got me thinking about it a different way.

We were getting out of the car right after parking.  There was a mom next to us with two school age boys and a toddler.  The boys were obviously excited.  They were talking about the rides they were going to go on, and which park first, and how long they would be willing to wait for different rides.  They were working together, compromising, and had a great energy to them.

As they set off, Mom turned around and told them, most crankily, that if there's any bickering, arguing, fighting, disrespect, etc, she’ll take them straight home.

These boy’s countenances went from joy to despair almost instantaneously.  As they walked away, their shoulders were hunched, faces forlorn, and all the joy and companionship gone.  They started bickering and hitting each other.  I thought "If Mom stays true to her words, this is going to be a short trip for those boys." 

Was she wrong to give them consequences for their behaviors?  Of course not!  It's a great idea to set behavior expectations so everyone knows what's acceptable.  And her warnings were probably based on past experiences. The impression I got, though, was that she was expecting them to misbehave, and was dreading having to deal with them when they do. Remember - our children are going to live up to the expectations we have for them, be they good or bad.

No matter the attitudes of the people around us. we have a tremendous power to bring happiness to ourselves and our families, just by how we choose to feel and respond.  When we choose to be cranky, like this mom at Disneyland did, that is going to rub off on everyone else around us.  If we choose to be happy, others will follow suit, too.  

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

I remember a few years ago when my oldest, Bub, was about 3 years old.  I took the kids to Sea World with some friends for a fun day's outing.  It had been raining, and my trunk lock would get stuck when it was wet.  The kids were anxious to get going, my friends were waiting for me, but I couldn't get my trunk open to get the stroller.  After spending what seems like an ETERNITY finagling the lock, I finally got frustrated enough to give it a swift kick.  It still didn't work.  And my 3 year old looked at me with a confused look on his face and said, "Mommy, why you kick the car?  Kicking not a good choice."  

I had taught him for three years of his life that kicking isn't an appropriate thing to do.  Now I had undone all of that hard work in one moment of frustration.  For the next few months, every time he was angry he kicked something.  When I reminded him that kicking was a bad choice, he reminded me that I kicked the car.  Every time I apologized for my mistake and told him that even though I had made a bad choice that doesn't mean that he gets to make the same bad choice.

A recreation of the fateful kick, only with cooler shoes..

Have your kids ever called you out in a moment when you're not following your own rules?  My Dolly asked me once a last year why she had to make her bed and I didn't.  I don't like to make my bed because an hour after I do, my graveyard-working hubby gets home and goes to bed and it gets all messy again.  I don't really see the point.

But there definitely is a point: I have to follow my own house rules, or else I'm seen as a hypocrite and I lose my role as the rule enforcer in the house.  When I model the behavior I expect from other family members, I am teaching them a powerful lesson: The rules are for everyone in the house.  And if Mommy and Daddy can do it, so can you!