I Think We Have It Backwards

I read an article someone posted on facebook the other day (and I can't remember who or else I'd link it) that said, in essence, that when we let our babies cry it out or don't attend to their other emotional needs, we are doing them a disservice and are essentially stunting their emotional development.  The article said the most important thing a baby and young child needs besides food and shelter is attention to it's emotional needs: to be coddled, picked up, stroked, and shown caring.

I read another article today that talked about how on today's college campuses, it's becoming more and more inappropriate to talk about subjects that may make another person uncomfortable.  There is a great desire to protect those who may feel different than others, whether due to traumatic and uncomfortable events in their lives, different opinions, or race.  And while this trend has the unfortunate affect, according to the article, of limiting free speech, it also contributes to what I have heard called "the wussification of America."

People today don't like to have their feelings hurt, and they want to protect others from having their feelings hurt.  I heard someone say once about church that we should never say anything that might make someone feel uncomfortable, that we shouldn't make them feel bad, like they're not trying hard enough.  And I thought, Isn't that why people come to church?  To learn what they need to change in their lives to be a better person?  What's wrong with a little righteous guilt?  We can't coddle adults.  There's a big bad world out there, and they have to be able to face it.

So, here we are coddling adults and protecting their feelings from getting hurt, but our babies are being forced to cry alone in the dark with no one to protect them from getting hurt.  Shouldn't it be the other way around?  Let's coddle and love our babies and shield them from the hurt of no one caring about them.  And as they grow, we can teach them how to handle those tough emotions on their own so that when they are adults, and someone says something that pricks an emotion or a memory, they can deal with it.

To Pay or Not to Pay... For Chores

It's the age old debate: do you pay your children to do their chores?

On one hand, children  should contribute to the cleanliness of the house, just like the adults.  It's part of being a member of the family.

On the other hand, in order to prepare children for "real life", when they grow up and have families and jobs of their own, we should pay them so they understand that hard work has it's rewards.  Besides, they need to have money in order to learn the value of saving and giving to charity.

On which side of the fence do you stand?  After a lot of discussion, Ryan and I decided to take the "Pay them" side of the debate; at least for now. 

In our house, there is "housework", and there are "chores".  Housework is the things that everyone needs to do every day(ish) in order to keep the house running and looking nice.  Things like making our beds, brushing our teeth, clearing our dishes after we eat, and picking up our toys after we play with them are all housework.

Chores are things like sweeping and mopping, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, and dusting.  They should be done on a weekly(ish) basis to keep our house clean.

Both housework and assigned chores need to be done daily.  If they do everything that is asked of them each day, they earn 30 minutes of game time the next day.  If they do everything all week, they get $1.  There are extra chores that can be done; things like washing baseboards and cleaning windowsills and washing light switch plates that can be done for either 5 minutes extra game time or 25 cents.

Right now, this is their "job": to learn how to take care of the house and learn the joy that comes from accomplishment.  As they get older, their emphasis will turn more towards the importance of good grades in order to get into college and find success there.  At that point we may start paying for grades instead of chores.  Whether that is Jr. High or High School we haven't decided; Bub is only in 2nd grade, so we have some time to sort it out.

But for now, I like the idea of teaching them that they get paid for their work.  It's motivating for them and I like to watch them get excited as their quarters add up.  They both have goals to use their money for, and occasionally have to make decisions to spend their money now on something shiny that catches their attention, or hold onto it to buy the item they're saving for.  I think it's good practice for them for "real life."

Making chores fun

Chores. Housework. House jobs. Words that strike fear and loathing into kids worldwide. Not only into kids, but into their parents who have to remind, nag, and threaten in order to get kids to follow through on their responsibilities. Well, I'm here to tell you it doesn't have to be that bad. Here are a few tips to make the drudgery a little more bearable. (And sometimes, actually fun!)

1 - Music! Who doesn't work a little easier with music?  Heaven knows I get a lot more done with my jogging soundtrack playing in the background.  Your kids can benefit from the same motivation. I have two playlists that the kids love to listen to while working. One is Disney songs.  The other has fun family-friend songs by the likes of Robbie Schaeffer, Secret Agent 23 Skidoo, Jonathan Coulton, and Kermit the Frog. 

2 - Make it a game.  I was the second of seven kids, and my Mom was great about making things fun.  She'd have us count to see who could pick up the highest number of toys.  Or we'd pretend the floor was hot lava and we had to jump across couch cushions on the floor as we picked up without touching the lava.

While doing laundry, my kids and I play Castle Panic.   I start folding clothes and putting them in piles.  They're the towers to my castle.  The kids are the monsters, trying to get rid of my towers as fast as I can build them.  

3 - Employ reverse psychology.  This is, by far, my favorite technique to use to motivate my kids.  My kids love it when I'm "silly."  I tell them "Whatever you do, don't pick up the clothes in your bedroom.  In fact, when I get back upstairs, I want ALL of your clothes out of your drawers on your bedroom floor."  Of course, they giggle and run into their bedrooms and do the opposite of what I ask.  I check in regularly with comments.  "Hey, where'd all the toys go?  I told you I wanted them out!  Not put away!  Now, get to dumping them out or we'll be late for school!"  Have fun with it.  The more fun you're having, the more likely they will jump on board and play along.

Sometimes, when they need even more motivation for a big job, I tell them I'm going to do it myself.  As I pick up items from the floor, they "magically" disappear out of my hands and just jump into the toy buckets all by themselves.  It's kinda crazy how that happens.  I figure it must be magic, but the magic seems to giggle just like my kids.  Go figure.

Or sometimes I tell them to put things in silly places.  "Can you please put this pile of dirty clothes in the dishwasher."  Or "Please clean out the dishwasher and put all of the clean dishes in the bathtub."  Oh, how they love disobeying!

4 - Compete or race.  I tend to have them compete against me rather than against each other.  I think my experience of having a bigger brother that could do EVERYTHING better than me (or so it seemed at the time) makes me want to be sensitive to my Dolly, who has a big brother just like I did.  I tell them I can get dressed before they do, or empty the dishwasher before they clean up the toys in their bedrooms, or whatever.  Then I watch as they run off and help each other finish their tasks.  And of course, I call out regular updates on how quickly I'm doing my chore to keep them motivated.

 5 - Last, if all of the fun motivators don't work, have clear cut consequences if chores are not done.  And make sure these consequences are motivating for your child.  Bub has to do all of his chores or he cannot have his game time.  Game time wasn't a good enough motivator for Dolly.  But going to bed half an hour early is.  Especially since it means she goes to bed before Boo.  The consequence may be different for each child.  Don't be afraid to experiment a bit until you find the right consequence or reward for each child.

What do you do to motivate your kids to do their chores?  Share in the comments!

My Own Lessons From Frozen

Bloggers and other public personalities from around the world have their own interpretations of Frozen's themes.  From assertions that Elsa is a lesbian (I'm not even going to link it, I find it so ridiculous) to ideas of mending old, broken relationships, Frozen is full of lessons to be learned.  (Or lessons to be over-analyzed and mis-interpreted.) 

When I first saw the movie with my Dolly on Thanksgiving Day, I came home thinking about Elsa.  Elsa was born with an AMAZING talent.  It's understandable that their parents wanted to hide it though.  They were scared of it.  They didn't know how to teach her to use it.  And they wanted to protect Anna.  Unfortunately, they did it at a great expense: stifling Anna's power to the point where she could no longer control it.  They didn't know how to handle a daughter with such a great power.  She could have done so many amazing things.  But instead of being taught how to use that talent, it was hidden.  She was not only taught to NOT use it, she was actually taught that it was a bad thing. 

What if Elsa's parents had taught her, at a young age, to use her power instead of hiding it?  What if they taught her to use it under controlled circumstances, where she could do very little harm to others while she learned.  Granted, it wouldn't have made for as good of a movie.  But it would have made for a much healthier relationship between sisters, and a tremendous sense of self-worth for Elsa.  I love this video from the guys at "How it Should Have Ended".  I think they hit the nail on the head.

Have you had a child that had a really strong personality trait?  Maybe he is really bossy, kind of a know-it-all, and occasionally a little disrespectful when he feels like he’s not being listened to.  Maybe you have a child who is a ringleader; she’s always getting everyone in trouble.  She can convince the best behaved kid to go against their judgment.  

These kids have gifts.  Though it’s hard to see the gift through the trouble they get into.  Sometimes it seems like it’d just be easier to suppress the strong personality; discipline it out of them and make them compliant.  But these kids are leaders.  Their skills just need to be honed.  We have the opportunity to mold their amazing power into leadership skills that will serve them the rest of their lives.  They just need to be taught to use these skills for the right purposes.  And until their gift is controlled, it needs to be done under the careful, watchful eye of a parent or other adult so it minimizes the opportunity to strain relationships with siblings, friends, parents and teachers.

It’s a hard task we have, as parents, to take these children and mold them into their full potential.  But we can.  It takes patience, consistency, and time.  But to honor our child’s natural gifts will bring them the confidence they need to be the well-rounded, successful adults that they can be.

Don't Say Don't

How many times a day so you hear yourself telling your child "Don't?" "Don't kick the dog." "Don't leave your backpack in the floor."  "Don't hit your sister."  Those are pretty typical phrases found in most homes, including mine.

In one if the day cares I worked in, the director taught us an important tool for teaching children what behavior is expected of them.  She said, "Don't say don't. " 

When she first taught me this in training, my reaction was, "But if I don't tell them not to do things, then how do I correct their behavior?" 

 "Exactly,"  she replied.  When ALL you tell someone is, "Don't," they only know what they AREN'T supposed to do.  Not what they ARE supposed to do. 

She taught me to switch the sentence around.  Instead of saying "don't", request that they stop the negative behavior and give them a positive alternative at the same time. 

So, instead of "Don't hit your sister," try, "If you're mad enough that you have to use your body to be angry, hit the wall.  Not your sister."

Instead of "Don't leave your backpack on the floor," try "Please put your backpack on its hook instead of the floor."

"Instead of kicking the dog, please use your nice hands to pet her." 

"Please keep your feet on the floor instead if the couch."

The child is always left with an appropriate alternative to the behavior so it leaves no question what you expect of them.

Your Children are a Reflection of You

I don't make my kids match their clothes.  Not usually, at least.  If we're going someplace that requires a certain level of dress (church or the theater or the like), I'll put be more insistent, but for school or running errands, I don't stress.  I'll tell them the clothes don't match and give them options that DO match, but I won't insist on them changing.

I've had people tell me that I SHOULD make them match, because, "Your kids are a reflection of you."  And they're not wrong.  Your kids ARE a reflection of you.  But I'd like to take a minute to think about what they're reflecting.


When we see kids whose clothes don't match, we may be inclined to think, "That Mom doesn't have it together enough to make her kids match their clothes," But I like an alternative train of thought:"That Mom is letting her kids be independent."  Learning to put together outfits is a life skill that they need to learn.  And like learning to walk, sometimes they're going to stumble and fall.

"Mommy!  I find good clothes today!  They're both green!  They match!"

But clothing is only one way that our children may be reflecting us.  When your son holds the door open for the people behind him, he's reflecting the good manners you taught him.  When your daughter tries to engage a fussy toddler in the cart behind us at the grocery store so their frazzled mother can unload the groceries onto the belt, she's reflecting the caring that we taught her.  When your toddler runs and holds your hands when you ask him to, they're reflecting the obedience that you taught him.  Those things say a lot more about us as parents and as people than how our kids are dressed.