In one if the day cares I worked in, the director taught us an important tool for teaching children what behavior is expected of them. She said, "Don't say don't. "
When she first taught me this in training, my reaction was, "But if I don't tell them not to do things, then how do I correct their behavior?"
"Exactly," she replied. When ALL you tell someone is, "Don't," they only know what they AREN'T supposed to do. Not what they ARE supposed to do.
She taught me to switch the sentence around. Instead of saying "don't", request that they stop the negative behavior and give them a positive alternative at the same time.
So, instead of "Don't hit your sister," try, "If you're mad enough that you have to use your body to be angry, hit the wall. Not your sister."
Instead of "Don't leave your backpack on the floor," try "Please put your backpack on its hook instead of the floor."
"Instead of kicking the dog, please use your nice hands to pet her."
"Please keep your feet on the floor instead if the couch."
The child is always left with an appropriate alternative to the behavior so it leaves no question what you expect of them.
Good concept. I still say don't from time to time, but I always follow up with the next part. "Don't scream at your sister. Use you words and tell her why you're mad." That sort of thing. Clarifying your expectations and reminding them of the other choices of behavior can be powerful. We feel like they since they know it's bad behavior, they shouldn't do it. But for kids, fighting that natural urge to react in a certain way is hard. So gently reminding them of other ways to do things is such a great way to go. Hard to always be that kind and patient as a parent, but worth it.
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