Time out

I was asked to do a post on how to do a proper time out.  A reader is having a hard time with her toddler.  He'll intentionally break a rule and run into their time out spot, giggling the whole way.  She's not sure how to make it work.

There are two major trains of thought for how to do a proper time out.  I'll run down both of them, and then tell you why I do both.

First, some parents choose to put a child in time out for 1 minute per year of age.  When your child engages in an inappropriate behavior, you tell them "You chose to ___________, you get to sit in time out for 3 (or however many) minutes."  Take them to the time out spot and sit them there.  If they get out before the 3 minutes is up, you sit them back down and start the timer over again.  Yes, it can take a while when they're learning this method of discipline.  They'll get angry and get out of time out and it can seem like hours.  But eventually they will learn.

One of the most important factors is to make sure they know they're missing something.  Continue playing with their sibling, sit down and read one of their favorite books, quietly, to yourself, or go on with your housework as if nothing is wrong.  They will soon learn that time out isn't a fun place to be.

After their time is up, go to them, look them in the eye and have them apologize for whatever action landed them there.  Thank them, and tell them that if they choose to engage in that behavior again, they will sit in time out again.

The second school of thought for time out is to have them sit for as long as they feel they need until they are ready to behave.  Most of the rest of the rules are the same: make sure it's not "fun", and have them apologize when they're done.

I use both methods in my home.  The first is the most used: typical infractions like hitting and disobedience get timed time outs.

Tantrums and crankiness get the second kind of time out.  It's important for children to learn to calm themselves down when they're upset.  If you coddle and rescue them every time they're having a hard time coping, it does nothing to teach them the skills in the long run.

So for emotional breakdowns, I put my kids in our time out spot, the first step of the stairs, until they are ready to be happy.  After they get themselves out, any indication of crankiness gets them sent back.  Sometimes they pop up immediately and are okay.  My more emotional one was know to take 30 minutes of whining and fussing lying there on the bottom step before he was ready to get up.  But now he does a much better job of self-quieting when he's upset.

My Own Lessons From Frozen

Bloggers and other public personalities from around the world have their own interpretations of Frozen's themes.  From assertions that Elsa is a lesbian (I'm not even going to link it, I find it so ridiculous) to ideas of mending old, broken relationships, Frozen is full of lessons to be learned.  (Or lessons to be over-analyzed and mis-interpreted.) 

When I first saw the movie with my Dolly on Thanksgiving Day, I came home thinking about Elsa.  Elsa was born with an AMAZING talent.  It's understandable that their parents wanted to hide it though.  They were scared of it.  They didn't know how to teach her to use it.  And they wanted to protect Anna.  Unfortunately, they did it at a great expense: stifling Anna's power to the point where she could no longer control it.  They didn't know how to handle a daughter with such a great power.  She could have done so many amazing things.  But instead of being taught how to use that talent, it was hidden.  She was not only taught to NOT use it, she was actually taught that it was a bad thing. 

What if Elsa's parents had taught her, at a young age, to use her power instead of hiding it?  What if they taught her to use it under controlled circumstances, where she could do very little harm to others while she learned.  Granted, it wouldn't have made for as good of a movie.  But it would have made for a much healthier relationship between sisters, and a tremendous sense of self-worth for Elsa.  I love this video from the guys at "How it Should Have Ended".  I think they hit the nail on the head.

Have you had a child that had a really strong personality trait?  Maybe he is really bossy, kind of a know-it-all, and occasionally a little disrespectful when he feels like he’s not being listened to.  Maybe you have a child who is a ringleader; she’s always getting everyone in trouble.  She can convince the best behaved kid to go against their judgment.  

These kids have gifts.  Though it’s hard to see the gift through the trouble they get into.  Sometimes it seems like it’d just be easier to suppress the strong personality; discipline it out of them and make them compliant.  But these kids are leaders.  Their skills just need to be honed.  We have the opportunity to mold their amazing power into leadership skills that will serve them the rest of their lives.  They just need to be taught to use these skills for the right purposes.  And until their gift is controlled, it needs to be done under the careful, watchful eye of a parent or other adult so it minimizes the opportunity to strain relationships with siblings, friends, parents and teachers.

It’s a hard task we have, as parents, to take these children and mold them into their full potential.  But we can.  It takes patience, consistency, and time.  But to honor our child’s natural gifts will bring them the confidence they need to be the well-rounded, successful adults that they can be.

Making the Crib to Bed Transition

I've had a couple of parents talk to me lately about making the crib to bed transition with their toddlers.  They were both having problems getting their toddlers to stay in their beds.

I went through this recently with my Boo.  I used the Supernanny method.  You start by doing your bedtime or naptime routine: tucks, hugs, kisses, books, songs, etc.

When he got out of bed and started banging on the door to be let out, I went back in his room, put him on his bed, said "time for night-night", kissed him, and left the room.  If he got out of bed and banged on the door again, I went back in and put him in bed.  After the first time, I didn't say a word or give him any kind of attention.  You don't want to reward undesirable behavior with attention or you'll just encourage that behavior.

There was crying, and sometimes he was out of bed again before I even left the room.  I just put him back in bed without a word.  There were a couple of times he fell asleep behind the door.  But as long as he wasn't trying to get out of the room, I just left him.

The first two days he fell asleep behind the door. 
I love watching him sleep.  It's so peaceful.

The first time I used this method, it took almost a full hour of putting him back in bed until he stayed there.  But he learned in just two days that Mom is not going to give in.  He'll occasionally have days where he'll try it again, but it only takes putting him back in bed once or twice to realize that Mom (or Dad) mean business and he's not going to get away with it.

I'll be honest: it can be hard on Mom and/or Dad.  The crying can be hard to deal with.  You may feel like you're torturing him/her.  But engaging in positive self-talk (This is only for his good; He's only upset because it's not what he's used to; He's learning a new skill and sometimes that can be hard; It's best for him in the long run) will help get you through the hard parts.

Don't Say Don't

How many times a day so you hear yourself telling your child "Don't?" "Don't kick the dog." "Don't leave your backpack in the floor."  "Don't hit your sister."  Those are pretty typical phrases found in most homes, including mine.

In one if the day cares I worked in, the director taught us an important tool for teaching children what behavior is expected of them.  She said, "Don't say don't. " 

When she first taught me this in training, my reaction was, "But if I don't tell them not to do things, then how do I correct their behavior?" 

 "Exactly,"  she replied.  When ALL you tell someone is, "Don't," they only know what they AREN'T supposed to do.  Not what they ARE supposed to do. 

She taught me to switch the sentence around.  Instead of saying "don't", request that they stop the negative behavior and give them a positive alternative at the same time. 

So, instead of "Don't hit your sister," try, "If you're mad enough that you have to use your body to be angry, hit the wall.  Not your sister."

Instead of "Don't leave your backpack on the floor," try "Please put your backpack on its hook instead of the floor."

"Instead of kicking the dog, please use your nice hands to pet her." 

"Please keep your feet on the floor instead if the couch."

The child is always left with an appropriate alternative to the behavior so it leaves no question what you expect of them.

If you wouldn't get mad at Grandma...

In my very first Child Development class, right out of high school, the professor told a story. 

She told us about a family who took their beloved but aging Grandma to a buffet.  Grandma put food on her plate and headed back to their table.  She wasn't too steady, especially carrying a heavy plate of food, and as a result, dropped her plate.  The family was very kind to Grandma.  They cleaned it up and helped her get some more food.  This time someone carried the plate for her.

On this same visit, their three year old was with them.  She wasn't too steady either, especially carrying to huge plate of food, and as a result, dropped her plate.  The family got upset at her.  They asked her why she was so clumsy.  They wondered why she can't do something so easy like carry a plate without dropping it.  They ordered her to clean up all her food and to go sit back down at the table because if she can't carry her plate without dropping it, she doesn't get to eat.

Our professor looked at us and asked, "Who is more capable of carrying a plate of food without spilling?"  The unanimous answer was the Grandma.  Her question to us, then, was, "Why get mad at a three year old for something she is less capable of doing, when you don't get mad at Grandma for something she is more capable of doing?  If you wouldn't get mad at Grandma, don't get mad at your kids."  

The thought struck me hard, and stays with me today, even 20 years later. 

Blog posts without pictures are boring, so here is an picture of my awesome Grandma Lorraine, holding my oldest, Missy, when she was just a few months old.

The Three Strikes Rule

I worked in a few day cares after high school.  My favorite was a small day care and preschool ran by an amazing lady.  I learned so much about disciplining and child behavior from her.  Between her example and my Dad's, I developed what I call a three strikes rule.  It's not as much three strikes, but three steps to get children to do what you ask, and when to discipline if they don't.

First strike: This is when you give your child a request:  Please clean your bedroom.  Please get dressed for school.  Make sure you have their attention, and try to stay light-hearted about it. They haven't disobeyed yet; there's no reason to be short.

Second strike: If they choose not to listen, approach them again.  Eye contact works well to make sure you have their attention.  Ask them, "What did I just ask you to do?"  And wait for them to reply.  That way they can't pull the whole "I didn't hear you" schtick.  If they have acknowledged your request and know what you want, after that any disobedience is willful and punishable.  Lastly, lay out the consequence if they choose not to listen.  "If you choose not to clean your bedroom, you will not be able to watch the Family Movie with us later today."  Or will have to sit in the time-out, or not play at a friend's house, or whatever form of discipline you deem appropriate. Have them acknowledge with an "I understand" or "okay".  Again, no more "I didn't knows".

This is where some kids may try to compromise.  "After I'm done with this level on my game", or things like that.  Whether you compromise or not is up to you.  If you do, make sure the game plan is clear for both of you so you both know what to expect.

Third strike:  If they still don't follow through on what is asked of them, that's the third strike.  They're out!  Enact the discipline as stated in strike two.  And be consistent.  No extra chances, no begging or pleading, just do it.  If you don't, they'll learn that you don't mean what you say and you become less effective in your ability to teach them and discipline as needed.

If the job is one that takes longer, like cleaning a very messy bedroom, kids may get distracted.  (Adults may get distracted, too.  Be realistic.)  A quick "What are you supposed to be doing?"  and "What is the consequence if you don't?" is usually enough to put them quickly back on track.  Be frugal with these reminders, though.  Too many and the kids start to feel they're getting away with something.

As you become more consistent, your child may fight you.  Especially if they're not used to be disciplined consistently.  You're going to wonder if it's worth it.  It is.  Stay the course.

Discipline Your Children Without Them Hating You Afterwards

I'm Mormon.  I know not all of my readers are, and that's okay.  I'm not going to preach to you or anything.  But I want to share a fantastic piece of parenting advice from a Mormon scripture, called the Doctrine and Covenants, or D&C.  It's found in D&C 121:43.

It reads, "Reproving betimes with sharpness.... and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy."

I once had someone explain the first phrase to me.  Reproving means "correcting".  Betimes means "at the appropriate time".  So you correct your child at the appropriate time.  That may not mean immediately, because you may embarrass an older child and make the situation worse.  Or it may mean immediately, like a toddler who is hitting. 

The word that is most often misinterpreted is the word "sharpness".  I think it gives the impression that you have to be mean or curt.  But another synonym of sharpness is "clarity".  Would you rather have a surgeon draw your cutting line with a large-tipped marker, or a sharp, fine tipped pen?  The sharp fine-tipped pen would give more clarity as to where exactly the cut should be.

Same with our disciplining.  When we correct at the appropriate time with clarity, there is no question to the child which behavior was inappropriate, and what the consequence is for that inappropriate behavior.

But my favorite part comes after that, when it says to show an increase of love lest he esteems thee to be his enemy.  How often are you frustrated because your child is being difficult, so even after they've been disciplined and the behavior has been halted, you're still frustrated with them and treat them impatiently or with anger?

In your child's mind, they've done their penance and have moved on.  But you're still angry.  They may start to think that there's nothing they can do to please you, and if you can never please Mom (or Dad), why bother trying at all.  You will start to feel like an enemy.  And I don't know about you, but I don't want to be my kid's enemies.

So after you correct their behavior with whatever method you chose, make sure to show them that despite your rough moment, you still love them.  They will remain eager to please you and it will increase your disciplining effectiveness and your relationship with your children.