My Own Lessons From Frozen

Bloggers and other public personalities from around the world have their own interpretations of Frozen's themes.  From assertions that Elsa is a lesbian (I'm not even going to link it, I find it so ridiculous) to ideas of mending old, broken relationships, Frozen is full of lessons to be learned.  (Or lessons to be over-analyzed and mis-interpreted.) 

When I first saw the movie with my Dolly on Thanksgiving Day, I came home thinking about Elsa.  Elsa was born with an AMAZING talent.  It's understandable that their parents wanted to hide it though.  They were scared of it.  They didn't know how to teach her to use it.  And they wanted to protect Anna.  Unfortunately, they did it at a great expense: stifling Anna's power to the point where she could no longer control it.  They didn't know how to handle a daughter with such a great power.  She could have done so many amazing things.  But instead of being taught how to use that talent, it was hidden.  She was not only taught to NOT use it, she was actually taught that it was a bad thing. 

What if Elsa's parents had taught her, at a young age, to use her power instead of hiding it?  What if they taught her to use it under controlled circumstances, where she could do very little harm to others while she learned.  Granted, it wouldn't have made for as good of a movie.  But it would have made for a much healthier relationship between sisters, and a tremendous sense of self-worth for Elsa.  I love this video from the guys at "How it Should Have Ended".  I think they hit the nail on the head.

Have you had a child that had a really strong personality trait?  Maybe he is really bossy, kind of a know-it-all, and occasionally a little disrespectful when he feels like he’s not being listened to.  Maybe you have a child who is a ringleader; she’s always getting everyone in trouble.  She can convince the best behaved kid to go against their judgment.  

These kids have gifts.  Though it’s hard to see the gift through the trouble they get into.  Sometimes it seems like it’d just be easier to suppress the strong personality; discipline it out of them and make them compliant.  But these kids are leaders.  Their skills just need to be honed.  We have the opportunity to mold their amazing power into leadership skills that will serve them the rest of their lives.  They just need to be taught to use these skills for the right purposes.  And until their gift is controlled, it needs to be done under the careful, watchful eye of a parent or other adult so it minimizes the opportunity to strain relationships with siblings, friends, parents and teachers.

It’s a hard task we have, as parents, to take these children and mold them into their full potential.  But we can.  It takes patience, consistency, and time.  But to honor our child’s natural gifts will bring them the confidence they need to be the well-rounded, successful adults that they can be.

"Just wait until they're teenagers..."

Have you ever had someone come up to you in public and warn you to enjoy your kids when they're young, because when they're teenagers they're going to be terrible?  I've had it happen to me a few times, and I really don't like it.

I don't like it is because my children are hearing another adult say that they're going to behave badly.  And do you know what happens when you tell children they're going to behave badly? Of course!  They'll behave badly. 

Our children are going to live up to the expectations we have for them, be they good or bad.  When they hear us or other adults say that we expect poor behavior from them, they are going to comply with that expectation.  The opposite is also true.  When we express our expectations for positive behavior, they will be more likely to comply with that also. 

Don't worry; I'm not delusional.  I know that the teenage years can be rough.  I know that most parents, even those with children who don't purposely misbehave and rebel, go through some tough patches as their children become more independent.  But to expect rebellious behavior is going to bring about self-fulfilling prophesy.

So I have something to say to the well-meaning but thoughtless people in the aisles of the grocery stores. "Thank you for your thoughts, but instead of telling my children that they are going to misbehave, I choose to tell them how much I look forward to our relationships growing as they get older, and how it's so exciting to watch them grow into responsible children and young adults." And who wouldn't want THAT self-fulfilling prophesy to come true!?

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

I remember a few years ago when my oldest, Bub, was about 3 years old.  I took the kids to Sea World with some friends for a fun day's outing.  It had been raining, and my trunk lock would get stuck when it was wet.  The kids were anxious to get going, my friends were waiting for me, but I couldn't get my trunk open to get the stroller.  After spending what seems like an ETERNITY finagling the lock, I finally got frustrated enough to give it a swift kick.  It still didn't work.  And my 3 year old looked at me with a confused look on his face and said, "Mommy, why you kick the car?  Kicking not a good choice."  

I had taught him for three years of his life that kicking isn't an appropriate thing to do.  Now I had undone all of that hard work in one moment of frustration.  For the next few months, every time he was angry he kicked something.  When I reminded him that kicking was a bad choice, he reminded me that I kicked the car.  Every time I apologized for my mistake and told him that even though I had made a bad choice that doesn't mean that he gets to make the same bad choice.

A recreation of the fateful kick, only with cooler shoes..

Have your kids ever called you out in a moment when you're not following your own rules?  My Dolly asked me once a last year why she had to make her bed and I didn't.  I don't like to make my bed because an hour after I do, my graveyard-working hubby gets home and goes to bed and it gets all messy again.  I don't really see the point.

But there definitely is a point: I have to follow my own house rules, or else I'm seen as a hypocrite and I lose my role as the rule enforcer in the house.  When I model the behavior I expect from other family members, I am teaching them a powerful lesson: The rules are for everyone in the house.  And if Mommy and Daddy can do it, so can you!

If you wouldn't get mad at Grandma...

In my very first Child Development class, right out of high school, the professor told a story. 

She told us about a family who took their beloved but aging Grandma to a buffet.  Grandma put food on her plate and headed back to their table.  She wasn't too steady, especially carrying a heavy plate of food, and as a result, dropped her plate.  The family was very kind to Grandma.  They cleaned it up and helped her get some more food.  This time someone carried the plate for her.

On this same visit, their three year old was with them.  She wasn't too steady either, especially carrying to huge plate of food, and as a result, dropped her plate.  The family got upset at her.  They asked her why she was so clumsy.  They wondered why she can't do something so easy like carry a plate without dropping it.  They ordered her to clean up all her food and to go sit back down at the table because if she can't carry her plate without dropping it, she doesn't get to eat.

Our professor looked at us and asked, "Who is more capable of carrying a plate of food without spilling?"  The unanimous answer was the Grandma.  Her question to us, then, was, "Why get mad at a three year old for something she is less capable of doing, when you don't get mad at Grandma for something she is more capable of doing?  If you wouldn't get mad at Grandma, don't get mad at your kids."  

The thought struck me hard, and stays with me today, even 20 years later. 

Blog posts without pictures are boring, so here is an picture of my awesome Grandma Lorraine, holding my oldest, Missy, when she was just a few months old.

Speaking in Absolutes

Do you remember as kid, your mom would tell you, "Stop jumping on the bed.  You're going to break your leg".  Or, "Get down from that wall.  You're going to fall off and crack your head open."  How often did you actually break your leg, or crack your head open?  True; there was a kid here or there that did, but most of us were able to come out without a scrape.

What does that do to the parent/child relationship, when Mom (or Dad) says "If you do (this), then (that) will happen," and it doesn't?  Mom loses credibility because she's wrong.  Kid chooses not to listen to Mom anymore because she's always wrong.

Enter a better way:  Do your best to avoid speaking in absolutes, which is making wide, sweeping statements that appear to apply to everyone in every situation.  Like when Mom says "Don't cross your eyes or they'll get stuck that way."  No they won't.  But when you declare a consequence that never happens, you lose credibility with your children and they begin not to trust you.

Instead, try, "If you jump on the bed, you may fall down and hurt yourself."  Or, "The wall is very high.  I'm worried that if you fall, you can really get hurt."  Switch words like "you will" and "you are going to" for words like "you may" or "you could".

You are still sharing potential consequences, but aren't doing it in a way that will break trust should the negative consequence not happen.  And you are still doing your job as a parent to keep your kids safe by warning of negative consequences.