Discipline Your Children Without Them Hating You Afterwards

I'm Mormon.  I know not all of my readers are, and that's okay.  I'm not going to preach to you or anything.  But I want to share a fantastic piece of parenting advice from a Mormon scripture, called the Doctrine and Covenants, or D&C.  It's found in D&C 121:43.

It reads, "Reproving betimes with sharpness.... and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy."

I once had someone explain the first phrase to me.  Reproving means "correcting".  Betimes means "at the appropriate time".  So you correct your child at the appropriate time.  That may not mean immediately, because you may embarrass an older child and make the situation worse.  Or it may mean immediately, like a toddler who is hitting. 

The word that is most often misinterpreted is the word "sharpness".  I think it gives the impression that you have to be mean or curt.  But another synonym of sharpness is "clarity".  Would you rather have a surgeon draw your cutting line with a large-tipped marker, or a sharp, fine tipped pen?  The sharp fine-tipped pen would give more clarity as to where exactly the cut should be.

Same with our disciplining.  When we correct at the appropriate time with clarity, there is no question to the child which behavior was inappropriate, and what the consequence is for that inappropriate behavior.

But my favorite part comes after that, when it says to show an increase of love lest he esteems thee to be his enemy.  How often are you frustrated because your child is being difficult, so even after they've been disciplined and the behavior has been halted, you're still frustrated with them and treat them impatiently or with anger?

In your child's mind, they've done their penance and have moved on.  But you're still angry.  They may start to think that there's nothing they can do to please you, and if you can never please Mom (or Dad), why bother trying at all.  You will start to feel like an enemy.  And I don't know about you, but I don't want to be my kid's enemies.

So after you correct their behavior with whatever method you chose, make sure to show them that despite your rough moment, you still love them.  They will remain eager to please you and it will increase your disciplining effectiveness and your relationship with your children.