Validating Fear

I love lessons from watching other parents at Disneyland.  I try not to judge; every child is unique and presents their own challenges.  But occasionally I find a message I think can be applied universally.

One time we were in the line for Peter Pan.  There was a kid a few families in front of us that was kind of freaking out about the ride.  They were your basic 4 year old concerns: "It's too loud", "It's too dark", "I'm scared", etc.  Nothing unusual for a 4 year old..  But this poor kid's Dad wasn't having it.

First, he tried telling the boy that there's nothing to be scared of.  That didn't work.  When you're feeling anxious or scared, does a good "you're being paranoid" lecture ever work for you?  It doesn't work for me, and isn't likely to work for a child.

Next, he moved onto the "Look, that baby is younger than you and SHE'S not scared" tactic.  He pointed to my Dolly, who was about 7 months old at the time.  Well of course she's not scared.  She's a baby!  She doesn't know how to be scared yet!

That would be like my husband trying to quell my overly-irrational fear of spiders by saying "Well, Booboo isn't scared of spiders."  Well, of course not!  He's 2 years old!  He still thinks they're awesome and goes running after them to pick them up.  The comparison isn't going to do anything to change my fear.  If anything, it's going to make me feel stupid, and embarrassment is never a motivator to change for any age.

So, how do you handle a child's fear?  To begin, make sure to acknowledge it.  "I know you're scared of this ride.  I understand that you're saying you are scared of the dark."  Your simple acknowledgment of the fear is a huge step to building the trust needed to overcome that fear.

You can easily throw in some empathy, too.  "You know, I was afraid of the dark (loud noises, heights, etc.) when I was a kid.  I overcame it by ________."  You will suddenly become qualified to help them through this journey of facing their fears.

Do your best to explain to your child that it's your job as a parent to keep them safe, and you would never put them in an unsafe situation.  Let them know that you'll hold their hand, they can sit on your lap, or whatever they need to do in order to feel safe when confronting their fear.  Ask them to come up with ideas.  They may very well know what they need.  It may be as little as a promise to hold their hand.

Some kids are logical, and once they see the logic of the situation, it becomes less scary.  Especially when the fear is of something unknown (like an unfamiliar dog, or a new ride at Disneyland), all it takes is a simple explanation.  "You're right, it is dark, but they only make it dark in that part of the ride so you can see the lights twinkle like the night sky.  And don't you remember how much we loved camping and looking at the stars?  It's just like that."  If you have a more logical child, don't be afraid to work that angle.

Going through these steps won't automatically cure your child of their fear.  It's not my place to tell you to whether to force your kids to confront their fear head-on.  You know your child best.  Whether you make them go on the ride (or pet the scary dog, or whatever) is up to you.  If you DO chose to make them confront those fears, they will do it knowing that you understand their fears, and they will feel secure that you are going to do your best to protect them.