Speaking in Absolutes

Do you remember as kid, your mom would tell you, "Stop jumping on the bed.  You're going to break your leg".  Or, "Get down from that wall.  You're going to fall off and crack your head open."  How often did you actually break your leg, or crack your head open?  True; there was a kid here or there that did, but most of us were able to come out without a scrape.

What does that do to the parent/child relationship, when Mom (or Dad) says "If you do (this), then (that) will happen," and it doesn't?  Mom loses credibility because she's wrong.  Kid chooses not to listen to Mom anymore because she's always wrong.

Enter a better way:  Do your best to avoid speaking in absolutes, which is making wide, sweeping statements that appear to apply to everyone in every situation.  Like when Mom says "Don't cross your eyes or they'll get stuck that way."  No they won't.  But when you declare a consequence that never happens, you lose credibility with your children and they begin not to trust you.

Instead, try, "If you jump on the bed, you may fall down and hurt yourself."  Or, "The wall is very high.  I'm worried that if you fall, you can really get hurt."  Switch words like "you will" and "you are going to" for words like "you may" or "you could".

You are still sharing potential consequences, but aren't doing it in a way that will break trust should the negative consequence not happen.  And you are still doing your job as a parent to keep your kids safe by warning of negative consequences.

Validating Fear

I love lessons from watching other parents at Disneyland.  I try not to judge; every child is unique and presents their own challenges.  But occasionally I find a message I think can be applied universally.

One time we were in the line for Peter Pan.  There was a kid a few families in front of us that was kind of freaking out about the ride.  They were your basic 4 year old concerns: "It's too loud", "It's too dark", "I'm scared", etc.  Nothing unusual for a 4 year old..  But this poor kid's Dad wasn't having it.

First, he tried telling the boy that there's nothing to be scared of.  That didn't work.  When you're feeling anxious or scared, does a good "you're being paranoid" lecture ever work for you?  It doesn't work for me, and isn't likely to work for a child.

Next, he moved onto the "Look, that baby is younger than you and SHE'S not scared" tactic.  He pointed to my Dolly, who was about 7 months old at the time.  Well of course she's not scared.  She's a baby!  She doesn't know how to be scared yet!

That would be like my husband trying to quell my overly-irrational fear of spiders by saying "Well, Booboo isn't scared of spiders."  Well, of course not!  He's 2 years old!  He still thinks they're awesome and goes running after them to pick them up.  The comparison isn't going to do anything to change my fear.  If anything, it's going to make me feel stupid, and embarrassment is never a motivator to change for any age.

So, how do you handle a child's fear?  To begin, make sure to acknowledge it.  "I know you're scared of this ride.  I understand that you're saying you are scared of the dark."  Your simple acknowledgment of the fear is a huge step to building the trust needed to overcome that fear.

You can easily throw in some empathy, too.  "You know, I was afraid of the dark (loud noises, heights, etc.) when I was a kid.  I overcame it by ________."  You will suddenly become qualified to help them through this journey of facing their fears.

Do your best to explain to your child that it's your job as a parent to keep them safe, and you would never put them in an unsafe situation.  Let them know that you'll hold their hand, they can sit on your lap, or whatever they need to do in order to feel safe when confronting their fear.  Ask them to come up with ideas.  They may very well know what they need.  It may be as little as a promise to hold their hand.

Some kids are logical, and once they see the logic of the situation, it becomes less scary.  Especially when the fear is of something unknown (like an unfamiliar dog, or a new ride at Disneyland), all it takes is a simple explanation.  "You're right, it is dark, but they only make it dark in that part of the ride so you can see the lights twinkle like the night sky.  And don't you remember how much we loved camping and looking at the stars?  It's just like that."  If you have a more logical child, don't be afraid to work that angle.

Going through these steps won't automatically cure your child of their fear.  It's not my place to tell you to whether to force your kids to confront their fear head-on.  You know your child best.  Whether you make them go on the ride (or pet the scary dog, or whatever) is up to you.  If you DO chose to make them confront those fears, they will do it knowing that you understand their fears, and they will feel secure that you are going to do your best to protect them.

Discipline Your Children Without Them Hating You Afterwards

I'm Mormon.  I know not all of my readers are, and that's okay.  I'm not going to preach to you or anything.  But I want to share a fantastic piece of parenting advice from a Mormon scripture, called the Doctrine and Covenants, or D&C.  It's found in D&C 121:43.

It reads, "Reproving betimes with sharpness.... and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy."

I once had someone explain the first phrase to me.  Reproving means "correcting".  Betimes means "at the appropriate time".  So you correct your child at the appropriate time.  That may not mean immediately, because you may embarrass an older child and make the situation worse.  Or it may mean immediately, like a toddler who is hitting. 

The word that is most often misinterpreted is the word "sharpness".  I think it gives the impression that you have to be mean or curt.  But another synonym of sharpness is "clarity".  Would you rather have a surgeon draw your cutting line with a large-tipped marker, or a sharp, fine tipped pen?  The sharp fine-tipped pen would give more clarity as to where exactly the cut should be.

Same with our disciplining.  When we correct at the appropriate time with clarity, there is no question to the child which behavior was inappropriate, and what the consequence is for that inappropriate behavior.

But my favorite part comes after that, when it says to show an increase of love lest he esteems thee to be his enemy.  How often are you frustrated because your child is being difficult, so even after they've been disciplined and the behavior has been halted, you're still frustrated with them and treat them impatiently or with anger?

In your child's mind, they've done their penance and have moved on.  But you're still angry.  They may start to think that there's nothing they can do to please you, and if you can never please Mom (or Dad), why bother trying at all.  You will start to feel like an enemy.  And I don't know about you, but I don't want to be my kid's enemies.

So after you correct their behavior with whatever method you chose, make sure to show them that despite your rough moment, you still love them.  They will remain eager to please you and it will increase your disciplining effectiveness and your relationship with your children.

Book Review: The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems

The Baby Whisperer was my first book as I started learning more about this whole parenting schtick.  When my oldest daughter was born, I thought "Oh, mother's intuition will tell me what to do."  Well, it didn't really work out the way I thought it would.  When she was about 9 months old, we finally decided the only way to get her to sleep on her own was to let her cry it out.  And I hated every last minute of it.  It took a little under a week, just like everyone said it would, and she was finally falling asleep without having to be rocked, fed, bounced, cuddled, etc. for hours on end. 

Four years later, enter kid #2.  I knew, absolutely knew, there was no way I could go through that again.  Every fiber in my being said that crying it out wasn't right.  Fortunately in those 4 years, my sisters started to have babies.  And they were smarter than me: they read baby books.  And they recommended The Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg and Melinda Blau. 

Let me tell you friends, this book was just what I needed.  Tracy Hogg was a postpartum nurse in England.  Through her work with new mothers, she developed a series of hints and tips to teach your babies to eat and sleep without more tears than needed.  She teaches you about the acronym EASY.  Babies (E)at, have their (A)wake time, (S)leep, and then you get (Y)ou time while they sleep.

She emphasizes that this is not a schedule.  You don't look at the clock and say, "It's only 2:45, and though you're screaming hungry, you can't eat until 3:30."  It's a routine.  You feed baby when they're hungry.  You put them to sleep with they're tired.  You might be an hour or two off from day to day, but you, your baby, and any other children know what to expect next.

She has amazing tips on knowing how much to feed your baby, and how to tell if they're full.  She gives great information on how to transition to solid foods, and when the time comes, how to wean baby.

She teaches how to know when your baby is tired, how to develop a bedtime routine, and how to get your baby to sleep without having to be nursed, rocked, or cuddled.  She doesn't believe in letting a baby cry it out.  But she does teach that some babies do okay teaching themselves to fuss to sleep, and she tells you how to tell the difference between an "I'm just tired and need to settle myself for a few minutes" fuss and an "I'm really mad and can't calm myself down" cry.  And for the latter, she has techniques for you to teach newborns on up to toddler age children how to fall asleep by their own devices, without leaving them to scream themselves to sleep alone in the dark. 

Tracy also has a section on personality types for children: Typical, Angel, Grumpy, Touchy, and Sensitive.  She has specific hints for working with each personality.

Now, as much as I love this book, there are a few caveats to keep in mind.  She goes into specific information about latching on for breastfeeding.  A lot of lactation consultants teach a different technique now.  She also advocates letting baby sleep on their side using a sleep positioner.  This has been shown to not be as safe as back sleeping for babies.  So when reading it and implementing her ideas, make sure you're being as safe as possible for your baby.

But despite these drawbacks, The Baby Whisperer is a fantastic book for Moms who need a little guidance in feeding and sleeping arena.  She teaches Moms to be compassionate to their baby's needs and respectful of their feelings.  And she instills confidence that so many Moms lack early in their baby's lives.